After many requests by family (namely my mom!) and friends that I need a blog, here goes. I may be the only one ever reading it, but an online journal of sorts might just do me good. I chose the title because well, I am a stay at home mom. But I think that all of us SAHM's have a little bit of Diva in us. We kind of have to! To do all the things we do and not really get any break, there's gotta be a tough, strong, resilient diva inside!
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009. Today was weird but pretty darn good. My daughter, Eliana, who just turned 1 year, slept in til noon. That is definitely a record. Needless to say she didn't need a nap today!
I finally got my wedding ring re-sized. I haven't worn it since I was half way into my pregnancy with Eliana. After having her I lost all the pregnancy weight in 6 weeks yet my ring still didn't fit. I kept thinking, 'if I can just lose some more weight it'll fit right!' While that might be true, it just isn't happening. So I had to suck it up and get it re-sized. And I'm actually super glad I did. I forgot how much I like my wedding ring and it's nice to see those sparkly diamonds on my finger!
On a different note I'm recovering from our weekend. Saturday morning we woke up fully planning on going to Sunrise Farms http://sunrisehillfarm.org/ to get some great pumpkin patch pictures. How quickly our day took a different turn! Let's back up....... Our dog Max, a 4 year old Shih Tzu whom we rescued, was becoming too much for us. Our house, believe it or not, is barely over 700 sq ft. We are on top of each other (and not in the good way!). I only have so much attention to give and Max was getting neglected. He also was not too fond of Eliana. I believe that was the case because of her 4 months of colic screams (that's a whole other story). Anyway, after lots of talks we decided to see if there was a nice family that would like to make Max a part of their family. I posted on Facebook and nothing really came of it. I then sent out an email to some family and an old coworker sort of as a last effort. The coworker responded immediately that they had wanted a dog and couldn't wait to meet Max! I was so surprised and really felt that this was a door opening and thank you Lord. Last Thursday we brought Max to their house along with all his things. They loved him right away. We said our goodbyes and went home to our small, empty house. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept thinking, does he feel abandoned? Is he lonely, scared? Is he okay? Friday I did okay and then Friday night I was back to worrying, but it was a little better than the night before. Ok, so Saturday came and the sun was shining, a perfect day for the pumpkin patch. Then I got a call that Max has started peeing blood and they were in the Vet's waiting room and would let me know what they find out. I was in shock. He was perfectly healthy when we had him, what in the world was going on with him? I felt so bad for him. In a new place with new people and now having troubles. I anxiously awaited the news and we decided not to head out anywhere. A couple hours later we found out that he had 2 kidney stones about the size of golf balls and was in a lot of pain. The bleeding was getting worse and he'd need about $3000 of treatment. OMG. Thus began the day of sobbing. I knew we couldn't pay that. We just simply don't have it to give. I knew what we had to do. My DH, Craig, called my mom and she came over to watch Eliana. Craig went and met the poor adoptive family at the Vet and picked up Max. He was having trouble walking and had to be carried. Craig and I drove to the Humane Society. I had Max wrapped in a towel on my lap. He was going in and out of a sleepiness; not his usual self at all. I was crying, Craig was crying. It was absolutely horrible. I never imagined the pain of losing a family pet. I felt so sad and guilty about it all. If I had known he was sick I never would've given him away. I would've kept him and let him sleep in my bed and jump on the couch and eat people food. I would've cherished him and been as nice as possible. I just wished more than anything I could've saved him. He started crying as we pulled into the parking lot. I think he knew what was happening. I asked Craig to pray over us all. We were both in tears, my face was all red and splotchy. We got out of the car and I set Max down on the grass and he tried to walk but could only hobble sideways and then there was more blood. I picked him up and hugged him. We walked into the animal admittance entrance. I couldn't stop crying. I just felt so horrible and in shock that this was happening. We hugged more, pet him one last time and told him we loved him and were so sorry. Goodbye Maxie.
After that it was a blur. I sobbed so hard in the car that I started coughing. It felt like I couldn't breathe the sorrow was so deep. To see my strong, manly husband crying was humbling. This had affected us all. We went home and Craig began to dig the grave in our backyard under the plum tree. We made a cross and wrote messages on it about how great a dog Max was and that we were sorry we couldn't save him. I was emotionally exhausted. How different this day had ended that when it started. Luckily my sweet baby girl had no idea what was going on and it was good to have her needing me. I didn't have the luxury to crawl under the covers and ignore the world. Her sweet smile and giggle were soothing. Craig and I went back and forth between being fine and crying. It was sort of a cycle all night. We went to bed early, just totally beat.
I woke up Sunday morning hoping it was all a bad dream and wishing I could hear Max's little feet on the floor. No such luck.
It's been a couple days now and I know it will just take time. Yesterday Eliana saw a picture of him and started waving hello. She's been dropping cheerios off her highchair tray and looking to see if Max will come running to eat them like usual. It's more sad for me than for her. I wish there was some sort of redo. Would I maybe have noticed anything to point to him being sick? Would I have treated him better, loved him more, cherished him more? This whole ordeal showed me once again how temporary life is. We have to love and show our love while we can. Things can change so quickly. I really hope that there is a doggy heaven.
As of right now I am listening to Biggest Loser in the background next to the soft (for now) snores of my hubby on the couch. I am tired but find my brain going nuts at night with all the things I could do, should do, haven't done, etc. I love the peacefulness. I love not being 'needed' by anyone. The day is full of hugs, kisses, kiddie songs, don't touch that, come here, eat this, do you want milk?, and I love you's. As rewarding and fun as it is, it is tiring, too. Night time is my solace.
Anyway, I hope that this blog gives you a window into me and the crazy world of a stay at home mom. As you get to know me you will discover there is a lot I have been through and experienced. I pray that my pain and learning will be your discovery and prevention. Feel free to pass my blog along to other eyes. And if you have any questions or something you'd like to know, please ask :)
May God bless you immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine.