I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but I find myself wanting to be pregnant. Could it be that 3 people I know just had a baby? Or maybe that I have 20 pregnant friends on Facebook? :)
There is a very real part of me that just loves Eliana so much that I can hardly imagine having more kids and having to sacrifice any time that I currently give to her. I love kissing her and cuddling her and being available to her. Yet, there is another very real part of me that dreams of a big house filled with a big family. How big? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think 5 and then think maybe I'm crazy. So maybe 3? I don't know! So how many more babies? I'd say anywhere from 0 to 6! Time will tell. Things are definitely trickier for someone like myself with PCOS. For me that means I don't ovulate (or menstrate for that matter) without medication to make it happen. I have never, not even once, had a period without medicaton forcing it. This is sort of a blessing in terms of not dealing with all that mess, but it really sucks when it comes to growing a family. I wish I could just do what other people do and 'make a baby' and , surprise!, have a positive pregnancy test. But for me it all has to be very intentional. I have to intentially go to a dr for an exam and prescription, I have to intentionally chart out all the days of my cycle, what days to take which medication (as there are 3), and what days to 'make a baby'. It takes all the mystery out of it. It was very stressful trying to conceive Eliana.
I found out at 17 that something was wrong with me and I would need help later on to have kids, but didn't know what exactly was going on. They just put me on birth control and basically said, 'don't worry about'. I wish they had done an ultrasound and bloodwork. If they had, they would've realized I have PolyCysticOvarianSyndrome and a lot of things about myself would've made sense. Like why I was 17 and had never had a period. Like why weight has always always always been an issue for me. I balooned at age 12 (the pictures are frightening) and have struggled ever sense. I was a size 5 at age 14, which was only because of my struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I was a size 6-8 when I met my husband, which was a time in my life that I kept busy, went tanning, and avoided food. It's a constant issue and battle for me. I have only been small when I wasn't eating which is a fact that some people don't know about me. Those of you that have known me for decades have seen my weight go way up and then way down and then way up. I am honestly not willing to tell you all my size right now. Maybe another day. It hurts too bad to say it.
I told Craig today that I feel like I have succeeded in being a wife and mom, but have really failed with my looks. I know I'm not ugly and I'm not looking for pity, however I am very overweight and it eats at me (pardon the pun!). I think about it all day every day and it bothers me. I know with having PCOS (google it and you'll get tons of info) that I will always struggle with my weight and that just overwhelms me. I've honestly been considering Lap Band, which I know sounds crazy! But on the other hand, I don't want to spend my life with this issue. With PCOS and being Insulin Resistant, I am at a great risk of eventually developing diabetes. Will I actually do lap-band, probably not. But sometimes I really wish I could. It has shown helpful for women in my situation, as far as dealing with PCOS and staving off diabetes.
It sucks that I ended up with this problem and it sucks for all the women I know that have it. PCOS looks different in different women and the degree of how it impacts a person can vary. For instance, some women have occasional periods and can get pregnant on their own. This is not the case for me. Some PCOS'ers have tons of facial hair. If you see an overweight woman with a lot of facial hair....there's a good chance she has
PCOS. I do have some facial hair, but lucky for me it's mostly blonde and nothing Nair can't help. Some women have acne and cysts in their ovaries. I have not dealt with those issues. I guess I have primarily dealt with it in these ways: infertility, inability to lost weight (without starving), some facial hair, sleep apnea, and elevated blood pressure. Sounds fun doesn't it? http://www.pcosupport.org/med_treatments.php
I guess I also just want to urge those of you who know someone Trying to Conceive to be gentle towards them and sensitive about baby issues. As I embarked on the infertility issue trail a couple years ago I quickly realized there are a lot of couples on that trail. When you have been trying and trying it is heartbreaking to hear another couple say, 'wow, we just got drunk and then bam, it happened!' Not that you aren't happy for your friends, but when you are TTC it is the top thing in your brain and often the desire for a baby can become all consuming. So give your fertility challenged friend a hug and some lee-way on moods or weird reactions about pregnancy news. It's a tough road dealing with health issues and especially when those issues threaten to crush your lifelong dream of being a mother.
I go see my doctor in 1 1/2 months and I know I need to be praying about it all and really trying to take care of my body. The heavier you are when you get pregnant the harder your pregnancy is. And Lord knows I don't want to get pre-eclampsia again. I'll keep you all posted as things progress :)