Eliana and I had a good day today. She was up too early this morning so I put her back down for a couple hours and we had a lazy morning. I needed to run errands but didn't want to go out in the downpour, so I was relieved when a friend called and invited us over to hang out. A much better plan! Eliana loved the little dog at my friends house and also another friend's 1 month old baby. Pretty much Eliana's favorite two things; dogs and babies! haha
Well, today was day 1 of Clomid. Nothing too spectacular happens, I just take 2 little pills (100mg). From the 10 days of Provera that I just finished a couple days ago I'm still feeling bloated, puffy (my ring is tight), and I've gained about 3lbs even though I have been eating very small, healthy meals and no junk food! I just have to keep trucking and not get discouraged and remember I'm doing this to have another baby. Craig and I are much less stressed this time about whether or not it will work right away. I think because I already have Eliana I feel so blessed and am just a little more easy going about it all. I also believe that God knows all of my children and he knows exactly when the next one will make his/her appearance. Patience my dear Watson!
Last time was much more stressful so I'm glad we are both able to relax more now. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself like; no caffeine, no alcohol, eat small healthy meals, lots of fruits and veggies and lean proteins, and sleep. I think for those facing fertility challenges the best thing you can do is treat your body as if you are already pregnant. Maybe a new idea for some, but this is really what I find recommended the most on all websites, forums, and books. I also was following these guidelines when I conceived Eliana in Jan '08:
*Limit caffeine consumption to no more than 3 small cups of coffee per day
*No alcohol (for hubby or wife)
*Get adequate sleep
*Try to do something active every day to get your heart rate up
*Eat meals with a lot of fruits and veggies and lean proteins like fish
*Respond well to stress (as in, let it go!)
I will keep all this up and just keep praying for God's provision and timing in the planning of our family. This is really something we pray about often. That and also that God will provide us a bigger home. Our home is 763 sq ft. Seriously. I think it's cute and it's cozy and I value the work we've put into remodeling/updating things........but......I dream of more space. I dream of a place to put a china hutch and keep my wine glasses and my great grandmother's tea cups. I dream of a place to put a piano. I dream of having my computer not in the corner of my living room. I dream of having moms over with their kids and being able to host parties and holidays. There is a whole world that feels so out of reach for me. I try to live my life in contentment and thankfulness for all God has given me. That being said I don't feel that it is wrong to dream and to share those dreams with my Father God. He knows the desires of my heart and He also knows the needs of my family. I know He will come through for us. I don't know when or how and I realize it may look much different than I picture a solution looking like, but I trust Him to provide for us.
Craig and I have both always lived in homes smaller than 1,000sq ft. He grew up in many apartments and I grew up in a 100 year old home that was about 900 sq ft. Since we've been together we've been in a couple homes all smaller than 950 sq ft and then we bought what we could afford in the 2006 housing boom. Never did we think we'd be here 4 years (and counting). I'm prepared to have another child in this home if we have to. We'll make it work, we always do. It would probably mean a crib in our living room.....there goes my late night reality tv watching!
Our family values are such that we feel that a family is more important than a big home, than nice cars, than taking vacations, etc. Some people feel they need the perfect job or perfect home before they start or grow their family, but we just don't see things that way. We feel that God will direct our paths and the timing of everything and it seems a little absurd to us to not bring a beautiful child into a loving home simply because the house could stand to be bigger. Don't get me wrong I would never try and have 6 kids in this little home.....but you get my point I think. I don't want to be a consumeristic minded person and be focused on the "Ifs". IF I just got a bigger house. IF I just got a new car. IF I just lost weight. IF I just had money for a vacation. IF I just had a home gym. IF I had that new shirt/purse/jacket/boots/etc. IFS! What a waste of brain space. How about stopping that and being grateful right where we are at and then allowing God to direct our paths and our choices and to shape our mindset. I feel that children are a blessing. No matter what the circumstances or how the child was conceived, a child is ALWAYS a blessing.
For those dealing with infertility, I empathize. If you can stop for a second and see life as a bigger picture and not the daily stress of TTC (trying to conceive) which is very strenuous (temp taking, special diets, medications, appointments, charting, financial strain, etc). I get it. I really do. I also get that sometimes what seems like the perfect time to get pregnant and has us saying, "why am I not pregnant yet!!!"......is really not a good time and we can't see that. I think when I finally did get pregnant with Eliana it was absolutely the perfect time. Had it happened earlier we would've still been dealing with bills from Craig's accident and also a court case for his son.
So, while you are trying, take care of yourself. Take care of your heart and who you are as a person. Don't lose heart and become bitter and a downer. Take care of your marriage. Cherish your spouse and not just for what they contribute to the journey to conception, but because you chose to marry them and you love them! It's easy for those TTC to feel anger and/or bitterness when those around them are seemingly getting pregnant every other day...but don't allow your struggle to steal them of their joy. Those that have conceived don't want to hurt your feelings and out of mutual respect, allow them to be happy. Your turn will come! I also think that many times we think someone got pregnant on a fluke and we become jealous, but little do we know how much they went through to get pregnant. Ty to check your judgements at the door and keep praying for your little angel to appear. I dealt with A LOT of frustration and anger with not being able to get pregnant easily and I'll tell you that it all disappears when you hold your baby for the first time. So, my comments here are not meant to be insensitive to those TTC, just rather a cautionary tale. I know what it feels like to be standing in line at the grocery store behind a 14 year old pregnant girl on food stamps buying Pepsi and DiGiornio's and think, "Really? Really, God? Her but not me?!!!" But the best thing you can do is take it day by day and be grateful for all the things you do have and try your best not to pass judgement on someone else. I know that is SO hard when all you eat, sleep, and breath is trying to have a baby.
I also know that a real, personal relationship with Jesus will sustain you and keep you going through the trials of TTC.
Please reach out to me and ask questions if you want to know anything. You can find me on Facebook as well.