Monday, January 18, 2010

Powerless

So, I thought I'd just mention some of the side effects of Clomid and how I've been feeling. I take 5 days of Clomid per monthly 'pregnancy attempt'. By the last two days of Clomid (last Thurs and Fri) I was feeling very moody. Like I'd be ticked about something stupid and just couldn't let things roll off my back. I basically just didn't feel like myself. I also was more emotional and cried very easily- lucky me :) Now I'm a few days off the Clomid waiting for my body to ovulate (fingers crossed!) and I have been having hot flashes today.  I feel cold so I turn up the heat and then I'm all flushed and warm. I can't get my body temperature to feel right. I remember the hot flashes from the last go around when I was TTC Eliana, but I don't really remember the moodiness. I think maybe I'm more in tune with my body now and I know what is normal for me and what's not. Also I'm not at a desk with customers all day like I was before either so I actually have time to think about it and notice if I'm feeling weird.
Now it's basically a waiting game. I could ovulate anywhere from now until like 2 weeks from now so we just hope it happens and that things do what they're supposed to do if you know what I mean. There is a chance I won't ovulate on this current dose (100mg) so then we'd try again next month probably at 150mg. Dr's typically don't want you to do more than 6 months of Clomid (something about it affecting your uterus or ovaries....I don't know) so each month is rather important. It's a ticking clock of sorts. I conceived on 150mg with Eliana but we were sort of hoping my body wouldn't need as much this time and that it would remember what to do. One of the most frustrating things about it all is that what I can actually do to make it happen is pretty much nothing. I'm a do-er. I like to fix things and make things happen. I like things organized and planned and chaos is not my friend. This (taking Clomid) is like planned chaos. There's a lot of If's. If I ovulate. If we time our intimacy right and If the baby makers do what they're supposed to do. If, If, If. In all of that there isn't really anything I can do to make my body drop an egg. I can't say, "ok ovaries, now is a good time. Thanks for making an egg, go ahead and let it go." I can't even make my body make a full egg in the first place. In all of this I'm so powerless and that makes me so grateful that I am a believer and that I trust God to fulfill my dreams and grow my family. I can imagine how TTC without a faith to carry you through would be so difficult. And not just, I believe there is a 'higher power' out there, but a real and true relationship. I pray a lot in the shower. It's one of the only times I have to myself so I tell God what I'm thinking and I ask him to give us another baby and a healthy pregnancy. I ask him to provide us a bigger home. I ask him to bless my husband in his job and to expand his territory and give him great success. What would I do without a real God who knows me and loves me?

1 comment:

  1. I'm with ya girl - 10 years of that waiting game here for us. Enough to make you go crazy, even without the drugs!

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