Thursday, March 11, 2010

Update 3-11-10

I know many of you are dying to know what's going on and I don't really have any new news for you. This morning started out rough though since my temp was down :( Rough meaning I felt super sad about it. The low temp could mean that me having to get up at 5:30am and then again at 7:20am wasn't adequate sleep to get a correct temp, or it could mean that my progesterone levels are dropping and I'm not pregnant. I'm feeling irritated. I don't understand how I can ovulate and Craig and I can do our part but it can still just not happen. I realize for those of you not on fertility meds this is normal and part of conceiving; you just try a couple months and bam! But for someone taking Clomid, charting their temp, tracking all their symptoms, scheduling intimacy, weighing every day, getting a blood draw every month, waiting a day for blood draw results, then waiting another two weeks for AF (aunt flo) to come or a positive test........it's exhausting! I got pregnant with Elly the first month Clomid made me ovulate (which happened to be about the 5th cycle of Clomid). So naturally I just assumed that if I was ovulating maybe this time would be easy and hassle free. I'm feeling discouraged and like wow, we might be starting cycle 3 here soon and why isn't it happening. Especially when I had the 'implantation dip' on my chart. I guess I just wanted something to be easy for once, ya know?
I feel like a big fat disappointment. To myself, to Craig, to everyone waiting for us to get pregnant. And I'm honestly starting to worry that something bigger is wrong since I am ovulating and still not conceiving. It's beyond irritating. There is still a chance that I'm pregnant this cycle, I'll know by Sunday/Monday-ish.....but the drop in my temp doesn't look good and I'm not having any symptoms either. I guess I might be in the 14% that can have an implantation dip and not be pregnant. I'm still praying that I am and honestly am trying to weed out the negative self talk. I do truly in my heart believe that God knows our situation even better than I do. He knows the exact time our next child will be born. He sees the big picture. And as frustrated as I am about delivering next year (when our insurance deductible resets!), God also knows our finances. Infertility is an exercise in faith and trust. It's an exercise is believing that God has my best interest in His plans for me. That He wants joy and success for me and He doesn't want to harm me. I'm glad at least that I have Him to hold my hand on this roller coaster, and boy is it a roller coaster......every single month!

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