Thursday, October 21, 2010

I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. Sometimes I just feel like the rule 'if I don't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything' should be followed :) This is a lesson in self-discipline that applies not only to our children but also to us. The internet (or email, or facebook, or blogging, etc) gives us enough anonymity that it's easy to say things that you would never say to someone's face. The adage, "hurt people, hurt people" is true. When we're upset and lash out it's because we are in fact hurt. I am frustrated and basically just angry I guess about some things in life having to do with dealing with people- but I'm going to hold my tongue for the moment and pray that God gives direction in the situation with all involved. Is that vague enough to drive you crazy???? :)

In life I tend to jump in with both feet if I'm going to do something. When I went to highschool, after being homeschooled for 10 years, I got A's in every single class. I was bored. Then I went to OC doing Running Start, A's again (until the 2nd year and then I was bored and stopped going to class and ended up with a 3.5 gpa). Then I went to Northwest University, A's again and the Dean's List. This is less about me being 'smart' (although I hope I am!) and more about me not liking to half a** anything. If my name is on it, I want it to be excellent. I met Craig and within a year we'd completely fixed his credit, paid off his truck, planned a wedding, and gotten married. If I say yes to something, I say yes all the way. Working at the banks I tried to always go above and beyond in my sales goals. I hated thinking my name would be in the bottom of the ranking. I definitely hated not being in the top 10% of sellers. I was always the person in class who showed up, homework done days early, ready for the test. I never flaked on a fellow student when doing a group activity. I never flaked on fellow coworkers and always felt super bad calling in sick even when I was puking and had a major fever. I would stress about the customers that were supposed to come see me and how my coworkers would have to rearrange their lunch breaks because of me.
I typically only say yes to things that matter to me. I don't want to waste my time and devotion on something I only sort of care about. I won't comment on just anything, it has to actually matter to me in order for me raise a strong opinion. Craig's says my hot button issues are breastfeeding, unnecessary hospital interventions/inductions, and colic. He's right, those are the topics I typically will always have something to say about. Those are the topics I know about. I would never try to tell someone how to prevent testicular cancer or make a comment about why they got it- I know jack squat about it! But how to deal with colic (or moreso just survive it) and standing up for women everywhere who have been through it and told it was because they didn't do something right or didn't eliminate a certain food from their diet, or 'if they'd only just read this book' etc- you better believe I will jump in and speak up. So, if it's something I'm volunteering in (which is I guess every area of my life since nothing comes with a paycheck!), my marriage, raising my daughter, researching and writing about something- I do it all the way. My midwife told me she doesn't imagine I ever do anything slow. She's probably right. Craig says he strongly believes the only reason that Eliana was born in 25 minutes of pushing after 50+ hours of exhausting labor and didn't end up a cesarean was my sheer determination. He's probably right. It was mind over matter. That is just my personality. It also comes from not having an easy life. Dealing with challenges encourages us to build strength and coping mechanisms. This doesn't always end up well for folks. I do have a hard time trusting others to follow through and do what they say they will. Life has many times taught me the lesson that the only person I can count on is me. This is not a healthy lesson and one I hope my daughter doesn't have reinforced 20 times like I did. God wants us to live in community with other believers that will love us, support us, help hold us accountable. satan wants us to try it all on our own. But what do you do when you feel that is your only choice?

I love this quote from the recent Reader's Digest, "Hard work spotlights the character of people: Some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses,  and some don't turn up at all." ~ Sam Ewing

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