Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tests; Toddler trouble;Principle of the mirror

I am anxious for tomorrow morning. I really want to know if I've ovulated or not. Of course either way I'll still feel anxious to wait and take a pregnancy test in a week.
Craig should be getting answers tomorrow also. He's been having some not so fun issues for the last few years and we've tried all the natural things we can and it was finally time to go see a dr. His doctor is thinking thyroid issues or hormone level issues. Which, might I add, are the two problems we came up with after reading tons of stuff online about his symptoms. So, in order to not miss anything, a massive amount of tests was ordered up. Craig said it was 4 of the small vials of blood. Among the things being tested for are hypothyroidism, anemia, hepatitis, low testosterone, and some others I can't remember. All results should be in by Tuesday and we're anxious to find out. In the meantime we've added fish oil to our supplement regimen (see *Supplements) because Craig has high cholesterol and high triglycerides. We found that out because he had a bunch of lab work done to get life insurance and we were a bit surprised to see his numbers. Heart disease runs in his family and like I'm told him, I don't want to be stuck with a house full of kids and no husband! Btw, if you don't have life insurance, get it. Seriously. As a parent, the responsible thing to do is to get it. See Jason Mayer at EHL in Poulsbo. He's a friend and a great guy. Next on my to do list is a will.

My apologies to all of you facebookers seeing my ranting about Eliana not sleeping well. I realize there are much worse things in the world like- the Haitian's plight, cancer, car accidents, plane crashes, losing your job, being homeless, etc... and I am honestly grateful to have such a loving little person to call my own. BUT, I do get so tired dealing with a child that takes 45 minute naps and then screams bloody murder. It's not fun. For me the most frustrating thing is not being able to get anything done. I dream of what I could do with 2-4 hours; dust, vaccuum, mop the floors, scrub the bathroom spotless, get dinner started, paint my toenails, work on writing for my book, talk on the phone with a friend, read, etc. See all the things I never have time to do? It's SO frustrating. I know a couple of  you have suggested putting her in her crib with toys just to buy myself a little bit of time. I've done that, she still screams her head off. And I agree with a friend that maybe she was sleeping too much at night to take a nap, but that seems to have fixed itself since she's been getting up earlier and earlier everyday. Yesterday was 6:45 am. BARF to that; way too early for a Saturday. And Craig goes to a men's Biblestudy on Saturdays so it's not like he can take her and I can sleep. Another friend thought maybe she wasn't getting enough active play to wear her out, but I really think she does. Even after going to Moms and More and playing in the nursery for 2 hours and then walking and playing for another 1 1/2 hours...she still only slept 45 minutes! I do try to wear her out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.
Today she slept for almost 2 hours, but that was also on the heels of her getting hardly any sleep for 3 days. I think she was just catching up and I'm fully expecting another short nap tomorrow. Oh, well. What can I do? Love her. Play with her. Enjoy this fleeting stage of life. Delight in her little personality. Like I said, I know there are MUCH worse things than a baby that won't nap, so bear with me :)

Church was awesome today (http://www.newlifekitsap.com/). I felt so blessed being there. Worship was great and I think the team did awesome. Every person really contributed to the music and worship, there was no dead weight. Love it! Pastor Wes brought up the "Principle of the mirror". It says, "If there is something in your life that you refuse to change, God will bring people in your life with the same issues to show you what you look like." Ouch, right?! Made me think about the people that surround me and what about them drives me crazy. Indulgence and financial irresponsbility drive me nuts if I'm just being honest. Husbands that don't pitch in and give 110% to their families (mine happily does :) ). People who invest all their time and effort into their jobs and only give their kids/families the leftovers...that bothers me. But what exactly am I not changing that someone around me is reflecting back to me? I'm not sure yet. It's something to think about and something for all of us to remember. Often when something bothers you in SOMEONE ELSE it's because it's a flaw in YOU. Again, Ouch! :)

Alright folks, off to bed I go. I'm half way through Nicholas Sparks most recent best seller, The Last Song. After that it's back to the Karen Kingsbury series I'm currently working on called The Firstborn Series (about the Baxter family). Her writing is amazing and the stories totally suck me in. The 2nd book in the series I just finished totally made me cry. I have 3 more in the current series and then there's another 5 in the sequel series (and I've already read the 5 in the prequel series). Yes, I love to read! I miss sleep because of it actually :) And I'm super thankful for the public library!

And, I've decided to see if I can find a cheap laptop. My dear friend Heather and I are going to write a book about our fertility journeys from the personal, rather than clinical, point of view. My computer is currently tucked in a small corner in my small living room next to the tv and surrounded by Elly's toys and also Elly's little grabby hands :) A laptop would mean I could go write in bed at night or on the couch just a little more out of reach. We'll see!

Hearty Italian Sausage Lentil Soup

I made the yummiest lentil soup 2 nights ago. Seriously, so delicious. My awesome, culinary expert friend Tawny shared the recipe with me. Here it is : http://www.cucinacucina.com/recipes.htm .
Follow it to a T, it is perfect with all the misc ingredients. I thought the mustard would make it weird, but it's so good. Even my 15 month old has been chowing down :)
The only thing I might do differently next time is to take the sausage out of the casing and cook it up that way. I will be making this recipe for years to come!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An idea....

Today is day 21 for me, which is normally when they do a progesterone blood draw to see if you've ovulated. We did that faithfully every month last time around and even the month I got pregnant the blood draw results still came back as 'hasn't ovulated'. I was so sad to get that news and pretty depressed that day actually and then at small group a friend announced they were pregnant, 'without even trying'. I was devastated. I mean, happy for them yes, but sad as heck for me! We stayed after group and our group pastors prayed with us. We left and on the way home picked up a pregnancy test at Albertson's on the advice of a random nurse who wanted me to check before she called in the next Clomid prescription for me. Having already been told I didn't ovulate (and as we know ovulation is 100% necessary to conceive) I was feeling almost mad about taking the test. I put it off for the next morning and was SO surprised when it was positive. I took another test at work (positive) and then drove to Urgent Care after work for a blood draw (positive). I just couldn't believe I was actually pregnant, especially after the 'you haven't ovulated' news.

I believe that I personally have a longer cycle so day 21 is not good for me. I tried to tell the nurses last time around and no one would listen to me! Well, until they told me I didn't ovulate and then I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Clearly I had ovulated! So, this time around with a new dr they are actually listening to me and we'll do the blood draw on days 23 or 24 each month. My blood draw is Friday which is day 23 for me. We believe I conceived Eliana on day 23 of my cycle, so hopefully it'll be the right day for a blood draw. Otherwise the whole thing is kind of pointless and a waste of $35.

I find myself being a little hyper sensitive about 'symptoms' and thinking, am I pregnant? Things like, swollen breasts, light cramping, fatigue, etc. Of course those are all early pregnancy symptoms, but they could also just be normal every day stuff! It will be weird if I get pregnant on the first month of Clomid, but anything is possible. I mostly don't want to get my hopes up for nothing. The up and downs every month of "am I pregnant???" "No I'm not pregnant." are exhausting and depressing. I want to stay realistic if I can. I'll probably find out Monday if I've ovulated and then if I did we'll wait at least a week and take a pregnancy test. Craig was thinking that if I find out I've ovulated it means 100% that I'm pregnant. That is not the case. Things are so complex! Not only do we need the medication right so I ovulate, we also need to time intimacy right (pretty much every day for 2 weeks like we did when we got pregnant with Elly), and then his swimmers need to go the right way and get the job done. Or actually 'swimmer' in singular I should say. The thought of twins scares me! haha

My weight loss has kind of plateaued (another reason I'm wondering if I'm prego, but probably just making it up in my head!). I was losing something every day for about 2 week, but have gotten stuck at minus 10lbs. I'll keep plugging away and working at it and hopefully see more results on the scale soon.

So, this is another topic, but I'm curious what you all think. A girlfriend of mine that has been dealing with fertility issues for years came up with the idea for us to co-write a book about our journey's. She was looking at Borders for books from the personal infertility perspective, but could pretty much only find clinical books. We've both read Waiting for Daisy, which was good and interesting, but also a different point of view from us. I think we could write a really frickin' awesome book! And I was thinking it could be really neat to include short stories from friends and co-workers who have struggled and what it's been like for them. When you are in the middle of infertility one of the most comforting things is hearing of others dealing with it to. We would love to be that voice of comfort and 'you are not alone!' If you had fertility issues, would you buy it?????

Monday, January 25, 2010

Aaaah!!!

This is so one those days. Craig couldn't get his truck to start this morning and it wasn't the battery. He woke me at 6 to ask if he could take my car. Luckily Elly and I didn't have anything planned today, but even if we did I'd say him going to work tops any of our various social outings.

I'd been praying all day that it would be something simple and he could fix it when he got home. Well, he got home only to realize that the truck manual is probably at my parents house (back in Poulsbo where he just came from). He went to the library and read through it some but it didn't have any trouble shooting type things so it didn't help much. The truck power will turn on and he can even hear the fuel pump start, but the darn truck itself won't start up! So frustrating. This is on the heels of my '01 Durango being in the shop 12 (YES 12!!!) times in the last year. We are SO sick of car problems but we can't afford to buy cars that won't keep breaking on us. Luckily the Durango has a warranty. His truck however is completely paid off and has no warranty. It's an '02 Chevy Silverado 1500 with almost 170k miles.

So, now he's waiting on the tow truck to come and then will take it to the Chevy dealership for a diagnostic (which they can't run til tomorrow) and then who knows how long til it's fixed. This will be an interesting week. I'm not excited about not having a vehicle, especially this week when I have lots of stuff planned. It's like, really God? Can't things just be smooth for like 2 seconds??? We have zero money for this kind of an issue so here we go putting more crap on our credit card and that makes me feel anxious and angry. I want to have no credit card debt and God forbid (gasp!) even take a vacation! It's been 4 years since Craig and I have left town for a trip anywhere. I would love to visit friends who have moved to other states or go somewhere nice for a relaxing vacation, but then things like this happen and it feels even more out of reach.

We also just found out a few days ago that the land we were praying and praying to get so we could build a bigger home is not available and we're back at square one. I've been trying to stay positive but it's so difficult when it feels like every good thing that happens to us is followed by 5 bad things! I just want to crawl in bed and cry. No land so no new house, no vacation, and now only 1 car for us.  Usually we'd call my dad and he would come over to help out but he and my mom are very busy with their own stuff that started today. Great timing for the truck to crap out. I could scream!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The battle of the bulge :)

Hi all,
So my weight loss is at 9.4lbs and it's been just over 2 1/2 weeks. I'm thrilled to be making progress despite being back on the fertility drugs band wagon :) I will say that it's been a challenge. I have majorly cut back on what I eat. I eat a little oatmeal (from Elly's bowl) for breakfast or a bowl of Special K and then some noodles or eggs or whatever Elly is eating for lunch. For dinner I try and keep a big variety but have been following the 'keep half your plate full of veggies and then 1/4 protein and 1/4 carb'. Also I'm eating 1/4 to 1/3 of what I used to eat. I feel hungry a lot. Like right now, I'm hungry. I had a bowl of homemade turkey chili 5 hours ago and I really want to eat something but I'm a little afraid that if I do I'll gain back weight. This is where I find myself going to extremes and it's a challenge for me to find the balance. It's easier for me to eat nothing and starve then to know what balance looks like. The good thing is that Elly eats every 3 hours during the day so it's a good reminder to me to eat something, even if it's just some cheese or a cracker; it's something! I will keep working daily to keep things in balance and not allow myself to live in extremes or get in the mindset to 'just keep cutting back and you'll lose more weight'. That is true of course, but I know that starvation will slow my metabolism, interfere with getting pregnant, rob me of energy, etc etc etc. I get it in my brain, but it's finding a healthy balance between eating the whole plate of cookies and never eating a cookie. I'll get there!

When Craig met me I was a size 6-8 (definitely am not right now!). I also didn't eat much. I'd have nothing for breakfast, some turkey and crackers for lunch and maybe some chicken or cottage cheese for dinner. That's it. I was busy, loving life, working a lot, going to the lake, tanning. I looked good and I felt good. Then I met Craig. He told me I was perfect and there was nothing about me or my body he'd want to change. Wow! A previous boyfriend made me feel that I could never measure up so it was a big change to feel loved and accepted and downright gorgeous and sexy! Then I got comfortable. We both got lazy and started sitting around watching movies and eating all the yummy food I made and before we knew it we'd both gained a lot of weight. Like I think 35lbs in a year. That's so scary, huh! I was fatter when I got married then I ever thought I would be. Since then it's been a constant problem for us. We both hate being overweight but it's a big challenge for us.

We started the Frazier Fit Club last spring kind of as a joke, but then some friends started following our progress and it was fun. We threw away all junk food, candy, and unhealthy processed food in the house. We kept food journals and weighed once a week. I started walking 4-6 miles a day (started at 1.5 miles and worked up) and Craig rode 6 miles a day on his bike. We ate super healthy and got off the couch every day to work out. After 3 1/2 months I'd only lost 13lbs and Craig around 8lbs I think. It was discouraging! I know you're probably thinking, wow, 13lbs, that's great! But for the amount of effort I was putting in the and the amount of restraint when it comes to diet, I really thought I should've seen more progess. I mean, I was dripping in sweat every day walking the hills in manette pushing a stroller. It was depressing honestly. So, we sorta gave up. Of course I gained the 13lbs back and then another 3 on top of that :( So, here we go again. Only this time I'm trying to see if I can make a big enough difference primarily on diet. The ideal is that I work out 3-5 times a week. The reality is that it won't happen (especially in winter) and I need to be able to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight by diet alone. I've talked to a few women who have lost nearly 100lbs each and they all swear by cutting back on food intake. Basically eating very small portions of healthy food.

I know my stomach is shrinking because I was super full after a bowl of chili tonight and I don't think 3 weeks ago I would've felt so full. I'm slowly breaking the habit of eating large quanities of food in one meal and am getting used to an empty plate and small portions. It's learning to say no to food and yes to myself.

What a journey we all are on!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Powerless

So, I thought I'd just mention some of the side effects of Clomid and how I've been feeling. I take 5 days of Clomid per monthly 'pregnancy attempt'. By the last two days of Clomid (last Thurs and Fri) I was feeling very moody. Like I'd be ticked about something stupid and just couldn't let things roll off my back. I basically just didn't feel like myself. I also was more emotional and cried very easily- lucky me :) Now I'm a few days off the Clomid waiting for my body to ovulate (fingers crossed!) and I have been having hot flashes today.  I feel cold so I turn up the heat and then I'm all flushed and warm. I can't get my body temperature to feel right. I remember the hot flashes from the last go around when I was TTC Eliana, but I don't really remember the moodiness. I think maybe I'm more in tune with my body now and I know what is normal for me and what's not. Also I'm not at a desk with customers all day like I was before either so I actually have time to think about it and notice if I'm feeling weird.
Now it's basically a waiting game. I could ovulate anywhere from now until like 2 weeks from now so we just hope it happens and that things do what they're supposed to do if you know what I mean. There is a chance I won't ovulate on this current dose (100mg) so then we'd try again next month probably at 150mg. Dr's typically don't want you to do more than 6 months of Clomid (something about it affecting your uterus or ovaries....I don't know) so each month is rather important. It's a ticking clock of sorts. I conceived on 150mg with Eliana but we were sort of hoping my body wouldn't need as much this time and that it would remember what to do. One of the most frustrating things about it all is that what I can actually do to make it happen is pretty much nothing. I'm a do-er. I like to fix things and make things happen. I like things organized and planned and chaos is not my friend. This (taking Clomid) is like planned chaos. There's a lot of If's. If I ovulate. If we time our intimacy right and If the baby makers do what they're supposed to do. If, If, If. In all of that there isn't really anything I can do to make my body drop an egg. I can't say, "ok ovaries, now is a good time. Thanks for making an egg, go ahead and let it go." I can't even make my body make a full egg in the first place. In all of this I'm so powerless and that makes me so grateful that I am a believer and that I trust God to fulfill my dreams and grow my family. I can imagine how TTC without a faith to carry you through would be so difficult. And not just, I believe there is a 'higher power' out there, but a real and true relationship. I pray a lot in the shower. It's one of the only times I have to myself so I tell God what I'm thinking and I ask him to give us another baby and a healthy pregnancy. I ask him to provide us a bigger home. I ask him to bless my husband in his job and to expand his territory and give him great success. What would I do without a real God who knows me and loves me?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

8.4lbs, sweeet :)

Well, I gotta tell you, cutting my normal food intake to 1/3 of normal must be working. I've lost 8.4lbs in 13 days. I don't know if it's because of the supplements as well or just the food. I'm also pretty amazed that despite just finishing 5 days of clomid and feeling super moody and sort of angry (hormones I guess!) I still managed to lose weight. This was not the case last time I took Clomid so I was pretty worried about gaining weight this time around.

We have been eating very light dinners and I've been following the guidelines for 'serving' sizes on everything. Tonight I did even less than a serving size because 5 potstickers just seemed like a lot. And to think we used to eat like 8-10 each! We are also saving so much money by not eating more food than our bodies need. What would last 1 meal is now lasting 2-4 meals. I've also majorly adjusted my daytime eating. I share a high fiber packet of oatmeal w/ 1 Tbs of flax with Eliana for breakfast. I share lunch with her, too, maybe scrambled eggs or cottage cheese or something. I'm not snacking much during the day at all but if I do it's like an orange or sharing a pear or banana with Elly. There's no chocolate or potato chips in the house (my weaknesses!). We bought skinny cow icecream sandwiches so if we need a treat we have one of those. They don't taste all that great but they satisfy the sweet tooth cravings. And of course no fast food for us. We don't eat out much at all anyway, but we'd occasionally go to McD's or JBox for something if we were out running errands, but now I just bring stuff to eat or go home. I just don't want to risk all the sodium, trans fat, and calories in a fast food meal. Not that we can't ever, but not right now. Btw, trans fats are shown to increase issues with infertility, so watch out for those.

I do feel hungry a lot. I honestly kind of always feel hungry now, but I just don't feel like eating. Small blessing I guess. Feeding Eliana meals reminds me, oh yeah, eat something! I'm hoping over time my stomach will shrink and I won't feel so hungry all the time. We'll see. Anyways, I'm glad to see my hard work paying off on the scale :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Does formula cause food allergies?

Wow, so here's another reason to breastfeed and to be a breastfeeding advocate for those around you; studies show that giving formula to newborns makes a huge impact on their gut flora and can actually cause colic, reflux, and other tummy troubles. Formula can also cause your child to have a dairy sensitivity, and even giving one formula supplement per 24 hour period (!!! Can't believe one makes that big of difference!) changes the gut flora from a breastfed pattern to that of a formula fed baby. Amazing! Really shows what is natural and healthy for your baby; mommy's milk. Here is the link to the whole article and all the nitty gritty, very interesting stuff :) http://massbfc.org/formula/bottle.html . Thank you so much to KristiAnn for sharing that information!

Makes me really want to reiterate how important it is to press on with breastfeeding and not give in to the pressure to 'just give them formula' when times get tough. If you have tried nursing your child every hour (yes, every hour!) for as long as they want, waking them at night to nurse, have tried Fenugreek, pumping, etc.....and are still not seeing results in milk production, talk to your dr. There are prescriptions available to help. From what I've seen and my many times at La Leche, it is quite often because the mother is not nursing the child often enough. The 'feed every three hours' rule only applies to formula fed babies because formula is rougher on their tummies and takes longer to digest.

Recently I've been talking to two mom friends with infants. Both of these mothers were told by the hospital to feed their baby every 3 hours. Both mothers were having trouble with their baby not gaining weight and those type of issues. I have no idea why the hospital staff is so clueless about breastfeeding....but you heard it here first folks :)....breastfeeding only every 3 hours (rather than on demand and usually much more often) is not enough for a newborn. Trust me. I feel so sad for all the 1st time moms being told this misinformation and wonder how many of them felt inadequate because of their low supply when all they were doing was following orders. Bad orders! Unless you feed more often, you will not be able to keep up with your growing baby and will end up going to formula. You can avoid that but you must be willing to put the extra effort in to feed very often. One of my friends started feeding everytime her child was fussy or crying (and it wasn't a diaper or something else) and waking her in the night to feed and she is doing so much better now :)

 I wonder if the fact that there is a correlation between food sensitivies and formula has anything to do with the increase in food allergies in America over the last few decades and that breastfeeding was faux paus for a while. My mother-in-law shared with me once that when my husband was a baby and they lived in a quaint town in Kansas that you only breastfed your baby if you were poor. It was considered to be almost a status thing to give your child formula. She didn't realize she even had the option to nurse or what all the benefits were. Isn't that amazing (and that was only 30 years ago)?

 Each and every one of us breastfeeding mothers need to do our part to educate and change the culture. Whatever you struggle with will help another mom at some point, I guarantee it :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Deals Deals Deals....money saving for the momma's! Nearly free nursing set....

Hi friends,
Wanted to let you all in on the new promotion for http://www.uddercovers.com/ .

Here it is:
"I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and give you a promo code for 90% off on our 3 piece gift sets which include the Udder Cover™ nursing cover of your choice, a matching Milk Bands™ breastfeeding bracelet and 2 pairs of 5 ply washable 100% cotton breast pads!



If you’re not currently nursing, you probably know someone who is or shortly will be! They make great baby shower gifts! We are running a promotion where you can get any of our 3 piece gift sets (regular price $46) for only $5 + S&H.


The code is "thanks".


Go to www.uddercovers.com , click on "Shop Now", scroll down to the gift sets, select the one you would like and you will automatically be repositioned to the center of the page where you can enter in the promo code! Type in thanks and it will bring your product total to $5! We are not sure how long this promotion can last. You can use the code more than once - you just have to open a new browser/window to do so.


This promotion gives you 1 giftset for $5 + S&H! This promotion code is valid once per transaction, so you can order as many times as you would like!"

So, I have seen a few reports online about this site being  a scam, but I have purchased two covers from them and have not had any issues. As with all online shopping, keep an eye on your card and report any fraudulent charges to your financial institution asap.

I also will say that these covers don't seem quite as big or thick as Hooter Hiders, but they are still very pretty and practical and a great deal :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Clomid and musings on TTC

Eliana and I had a good day today. She was up too early this morning so I put her back down for a couple hours and we had a lazy morning. I needed to run errands but didn't want to go out in the downpour, so I was relieved when a friend called and invited us over to hang out. A much better plan! Eliana loved the little dog at my friends house and also another friend's 1 month old baby. Pretty much Eliana's favorite two things; dogs and babies! haha

Well, today was day 1 of Clomid. Nothing too spectacular happens, I just take 2 little pills (100mg). From the 10 days of Provera that I just finished a couple days ago I'm still feeling bloated, puffy (my ring is tight), and I've gained about 3lbs even though I have been eating very small, healthy meals and no junk food! I just have to keep trucking and not get discouraged and remember I'm doing this to have another baby. Craig and I are much less stressed this time about whether or not it will work right away. I think because I already have Eliana I feel so blessed and am just a little more easy going about it all. I also believe that God knows all of my children and he knows exactly when the next one will make his/her appearance. Patience my dear Watson!

Last time was much more stressful so I'm glad we are both able to relax more now. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself like; no caffeine, no alcohol, eat small healthy meals, lots of fruits and veggies and lean proteins, and sleep. I think for those facing fertility challenges the best thing you can do is treat your body as if you are already pregnant. Maybe a new idea for some, but this is really what I find recommended the most on all websites, forums, and books. I also was following these guidelines when I conceived Eliana in Jan '08:
*Take prenatals
*Limit caffeine consumption to no more than 3 small cups of coffee per day
*No alcohol (for hubby or wife)
*Get adequate sleep
*Try to do something active every day to get your heart rate up
*Eat meals with a lot of fruits and veggies and lean proteins like fish
*Respond well to stress (as in, let it go!)
I will keep all this up and just keep praying for God's provision and timing in the planning of our family. This is really something we pray about often. That and also that God will provide us a bigger home. Our home is 763 sq ft. Seriously. I think it's cute and it's cozy and I value the work we've put into remodeling/updating things........but......I dream of more space. I dream of a place to put a china hutch and keep my wine glasses and my great grandmother's tea cups. I dream of a place to put a piano. I dream of having my computer not in the corner of my living room. I dream of having moms over with their kids and being able to host parties and holidays. There is a whole world that feels so out of reach for me. I try to live my life in contentment and thankfulness for all God has given me. That being said I don't feel that it is wrong to dream and to share those dreams with my Father God. He knows the desires of my heart and He also knows the needs of my family. I know He will come through for us. I don't know when or how and I realize it may look much different than I picture a solution looking like, but I trust Him to provide for us.

Craig and I have both always lived in homes smaller than 1,000sq ft. He grew up in many apartments and I grew up in a 100 year old home that was about 900 sq ft. Since we've been together we've been in a couple homes all smaller than 950 sq ft and then we bought what we could afford in the 2006 housing boom. Never did we think we'd be here 4 years (and counting). I'm prepared to have another child in this home if we have to. We'll make it work, we always do. It would probably mean a crib in our living room.....there goes my late night reality tv watching!
Our family values are such that we feel that a family is more important than a big home, than nice cars, than taking vacations, etc. Some people feel they need the perfect job or perfect home before they start or grow their family, but we just don't see things that way. We feel that God will direct our paths and the timing of everything and it seems a little absurd to us to not bring a beautiful child into a loving home simply because the house could stand to be bigger. Don't get me wrong I would never try and have 6 kids in this little home.....but you get my point I think. I don't want to be a consumeristic minded person and be focused on the "Ifs". IF I just got a bigger house. IF I just got a new car. IF I just lost weight. IF I just had money for a vacation. IF I just had a home gym. IF I had that new shirt/purse/jacket/boots/etc. IFS! What a waste of brain space. How about stopping that and being grateful right where we are at and then allowing God to direct our paths and our choices and to shape our mindset. I feel that children are a blessing. No matter what the circumstances or how the child was conceived, a child is ALWAYS a blessing.

For those dealing with infertility, I empathize. If you can stop for a second and see life as a bigger picture and not the daily stress of TTC (trying to conceive) which is very strenuous (temp taking, special diets, medications, appointments, charting, financial strain, etc). I get it. I really do. I also get that sometimes what seems like the perfect time to get pregnant and has us saying, "why am I not pregnant yet!!!"......is really not a good time and we can't see that. I think when I finally did get pregnant with Eliana it was absolutely the perfect time. Had it happened earlier we would've still been dealing with bills from Craig's accident and also a court case for his son.
So, while you are trying, take care of yourself. Take care of your heart and who you are as a person. Don't lose heart and become bitter and a downer. Take care of your marriage. Cherish your spouse and not just for what they contribute to the journey to conception, but because you chose to marry them and you love them! It's easy for those TTC to feel anger and/or bitterness when those around them are seemingly getting pregnant every other day...but don't allow your struggle to steal them of their joy. Those that have conceived don't want to hurt your feelings and out of mutual respect, allow them to be happy. Your turn will come! I also think that many times we think someone got pregnant on a fluke and we become jealous, but little do we know how much they went through to get pregnant. Ty to check your judgements at the door and keep praying for your little angel to appear. I dealt with A LOT of frustration and anger with not being able to get pregnant easily and I'll tell you that it all disappears when you hold your baby for the first time. So, my comments here are not meant to be insensitive to those TTC, just rather a cautionary tale. I know what it feels like to be standing in line at the grocery store behind a 14 year old pregnant girl on food stamps buying Pepsi and DiGiornio's and think, "Really? Really, God? Her but not me?!!!" But the best thing you can do is take it day by day and be grateful for all the things you do have and try your best not to pass judgement on someone else. I know that is SO hard when all you eat, sleep, and breath is trying to have a baby.
I also know that a real, personal relationship with Jesus will sustain you and keep you going through the trials of TTC.
Please reach out to me and ask questions if you want to know anything. You can find me on Facebook as well.

Did that just happen? LOL

It was Oct 08 and I had just had my sweet baby girl the day before. We were still at Harrison Hospital Silverdale and had just switched from Labor and Delivery to regular patient floor. Eliana's bilirubin levels were high so we weren't allowed to go home yet. We knew it'd be at least one more day.
After getting our stuff unpacked in the new room, I was finally able to take a shower (man that felt good!) and was changed and feeling happy to be clean and ready to order something to eat. I ordered a chicken and pasta dish of some kind and a salad and maybe even a cookie. The food came and it looked good!


Before we could start eating our new nurse came in to go over my chart and make sure Elly and I were doing well. She had a pretty strong English accent so we were straining a bit to understand her questions. It was mostly the usual, "how much have you peed?" "when was the last time she nursed", etc. She then noticed my tray of food and said she didn't think the dr would want me eating yet. I asked why and I said that seemed strange to me and that shouldn't a breastfeeding mom be eating? She said she'd ask the dr but usually when you are getting a Two Bull you shouldn't eat. Huh? Craig and I looked puzzled I'm sure and we asked her to repeat herself. "You know, if you're getting a Two Bull you shouldn't eat", she replied. Once again we looked puzzled and asked her to repeat herself (that thick accent was not helping things!). Finally this time when she noticed the blank look on our faces she replied, "you're getting your tubes tied (as in Tubal, not Two Bull), right? The Dr. isn't going to want you to eat this close to surgery." UM, WHAT??? I was shocked. I quickly replied, "NO, I am absolutely not getting my tubes tied, I just had my first baby and I want more!" She was flustered and left abruptly saying something about checking the chart.

Wow, we were dumbfounded. It was like, did that just really happen to us? I almost wasn't surprised as Craig and I always seem to have the weirdest stuff happen, but a Tubal? Really? Thank goodness I was paying attention and didn't just go along with it all. Considering we'd been in the hospital for 4 days and I wasn't getting any sleep with a screaming newborn it would've been easy to just nod and go along with the nurse.

So no, I did not want a Tubal and I did eat my pasta dish! LOL

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Updates :)

Hello, it's been almost a week since I last posted. Life has been busy I guess or I just haven't had anything too spectacular to say (imagine that!) :)

I'm on day 9 out of 10 of Provera so we're getting close to starting Clomid; I'm guessing about another week. The weird thing is that if I get pregnant on this first round I could conceive the new baby the exact same week I conceived Elly. How strange would that be! So far so good. I'm feeling bloated and puffy and a little moody. I guess it's the hormones and I'm just trying to roll with it. I find myself already thinking of being pregnant and spending hours in the late evenings looking at babynames.com and that sort of thing :)

Craig and I are still doing good on our supplement regime. We haven't missed a dose yet. Although I will say that after the first 2 or 3 days Craig and I had both gained several pounds. Talk about disappointing. Cutting back on food, working out, taking supplements, and we GAINED weight? Barf to that. We are both down the few lbs that we gained but are trying to lose beyond that and it hasn't been very successful yet.

I've been thinking about what I would normally prepare for dinner and then making literally half that. A couple nights ago we had salmon filets and fresh spinach with no carbs or anything else. Surprisingly, we weren't hungry afterwards. I do find myself wanting to snack in the time after dinner but before bed. I just want chocolate lately! I'm doing good though and just drinking water or having a few pistachios. Tonight I made an 8x8 of Chicken Divan (broccoli, cheddar, curry, light mayo, cream of chicken soup) instead of the usual 9x13. Granted we wouldn't eat the whole 9x13 but we'd eat most of it! Yikes :( I also measured the Jasmine rice out to only make 2 portions with our meal rather than a pot full which equals a plate full. Talk about carb city. It was nice to just have a smaller portion tonight and no seconds. I didn't feel like I needed to just go pass out after eating way too much. Last night I made sauteed chicken in a white wine worchestershire honey reduction and asparagus (no carbs in there!). I also made pan seared sea scallops (those are the big ones) this week and they were SO yummy, omg! I will definitely be making them again. It was my first try and it was utterly successful. I spent $10 at Costco and we both got 1/2lb of them which is way more than we'd get at a restaurant if we paid 3x that. They were meaty and slightly sweet and perfectly cooked if I do say so myself :)

 I'm definitely being more conscientious about our dinner portions and doing my part to make them smaller since Craig and I obviously have no portion control. I'm hoping we'll see some results on the scale and measuring tape soon. We've also both been doing very well during the day with healthy choices. Craig eats oatmeal with flax for breakfast after his bike ride (go Craig!!!) and I usually have a bowl of cereal, or a couple eggs, or share oatmeal with Elly. I have to force myself to eat in the mornings since I don't just naturally want to. But if I ate when I felt like it it'd be midnight and we all know that's not gonna help me.

In other news, my sweet baby girl is getting braver about her mode of transportation. She has been such a careful little person and would take a few steps holding our hands but just plop down on the ground if you made her let go. She's a great cruiser and very fast crawler but was taking barely any steps alone. She took her first 3 steps at 13 1/2 months at La Leche League but then didn't take any more for weeks and weeks and even then it was just 1 or 2 steps here and there. Well, yesterday she just seemed so brave. I don't know what made the difference for her but she is branching out. First in the morning she had climbed up on her little Icecream truck and was balancing on the seat not holding on to anything. She was rocking on it and grinning like she was so proud of herself. Then she figured out how to climb up on the loveseat and then dive off head first (I learned quick to put pillows on the floor!). That went on for a long time...up and down and up and down. She even stood up on the loveseat and took a step here and there not holding on to anything. Then I noticed she'd be playing at the coffee table and just let go and walk 2-4 steps. Such a huge change for her. We had a playdate yesterday afternoon and she kept taking steps at that house as well.
Today was about the same with her not seeming so scared of walking. At one point she took 5 1/2 steps! So, I think we are finally getting there. She'll be 15 months on the 12th and I've been getting nervous for her but I also realize that 'normal' is 'normal for that child'. Two of my magazines this month have articles about late walkers and apparently up to 18 months is considered within range. I'm excited to see her trying new things and understanding her body more and learning what she's capable of; even though I almost had a heart attack today when she stood up on the loveseat and almost fell off backward!

Eliana is just such a joy and I love being her mom. When she does something new and looks so proud of herself it makes me so happy for her. I know there will be years of firsts and I'm so glad that God chose me to be her mommy to cheer her on. She's a little lover kissing and hugging all her toys and mommy and daddy, too, if you catch her at the right time ;) Craig and I were talking about how some kids out there don't get tons of hugs and kisses and that they probably don't hug and kiss every toy they have because no one has ever done it to them. Eliana is loving because she is loved; it's a learned behavior. Not all children are so lucky and that is terrible. I was thinking today how much I respect those that adopt children. What a calling if God has chosen you for that!