Friday, March 4, 2011

The crap in our closets...

Oh  my goodness, yesterday was crazy. Evangeline is normally pretty easy going and happy, but yesterday it was like someone took my baby and gave me a screaming, miserable one! I had a meeting at 11 and she screamed for at least half of it. Then I went to lunch and she cried a bit there before passing out. Then I went to my mom's and she screamed a lot there. Then she screamed on the way home (and I cried right a long with her) and some more at home. I finally got her to sleep and she woke up 30 minutes later screaming and whimpering and seemed to be in a lot of pain. It freaked us out. We debated taking her to ER. I just didn't know what to do. After 10 minutes of the screaming and writhing in pain she calmed and I put her in her swing to play. The rest of the night was OK.
It was just a really awful day. I was SO exhausted. I still don't really know what was going on with her. It was so weird. I thought maybe she was bothered by the beans I had with my Mexican lunch, but that wouldn't explain the screaming during my meeting which was before lunch. So strange. Praise the Lord she has been back to her normal, happy self today!

Evie is such a gem. When she smiles her entire face lights up and she scrunches her little nose. That's my fave :) She even giggles for me and seems to like when I tickle her. She is just so precious. I don't want to miss this young stage, but I'm also excited to see what she looks and acts like in a couple years. I was looking at pics of Eliana at this age and was surprised to see how different they look. Eliana had much lighter coloring and was also much smaller. There's a 6 month onesie that Evie has to squeeze into and 3/6 month pants that don't fit anymore and Eliana was wearing them in an 18 week photo (Evie is 13 weeks)!

Eliana is almost 2 1/2 and she is so fun. She's talking like crazy and has such a fun personality. Today I overheard her talking on her play phone to my mom, "Hi Grammy. Draw babies and owls? I did a big poo poo. It's stinky!" LOL. First I laughed at the content of her phone call and then I was amazed at how many words she said. What a smart girl :)

Change of subject :)

I talked to my dad in California for about an hour this morning and it was a good, deep conversation. He mentioned how when he was a kid that his dad would show up and play daddy for a day and then disappear for 5 years and then show up and play daddy and disappear again. He didn't want to be a dad and my dad and his siblings suffered. Now as an adult he has a relationship with my 83 year old grandpa, but it took years to get there.
I just found it insightful and sad at the same time being that history repeated itself with my dad and my brother and me. There was a weekend when I was 12 and I was scheduled to sing a special at church, which is sort of amazing considering I was so young and it was a huge church. My dad was supposed to be in town that weekend and come hear me sing. That would've been the first time he ever heard me sing (despite me having solos since 1st grade). Well, it was shortly before church started and I starting feeling SO sick. It was stress. I was so anxious that he would show and hear me sing and equally anxious that he wouldn't show and wouldn't hear me sing. As was typical of my childhood he didn't end up showing up but I sang anyway. I remember wearing my cream colored lace dress and feeling so nervous and hoping my dad would love my singing and be proud of me and watching the back of the church for him to show up, but he never did. I felt so unimportant. As a little girl you think, "what is wrong with me that my dad doesn't want to be around me or hear me sing?" And as my dad said this morning on the phone, "that's the crap we put in our closet and carry around with us our whole life." So true.

Unfortunately, the hurts that happen in our childhood do get carried around with us. They are part of who we are and they shape us. Craig has seen the hurts I've had to deal with and he wants better for our girls. I've told him how for me growing up without a dad that hugged me or told me I was pretty or took me to the movies or anything....I needed and looked for that approval elsewhere. It was God and being busy with youth group that kept me from getting in more trouble than I did. Craig gets that and really doesn't want our girls looking for love from men other than him or their husband. I want my girls to be able to hug their daddy anytime and not feel weird about it and I want them to hear how beautiful and smart and talented they are from their daddy. To know that they have his approval just by being who they are. And I know that if they ever sing at church they won't have to nervously scan the back of the building hoping he is there. Daddy and mommy will be sitting together in the front proudly watching and silently cheering them on.

Fast forward about 8 years and it was the night before I was to be competing in the Miss Poulsbo Pageant (local level of the Miss America Pageant). I prayed and said,"God, if I don't win, I'll go on tour with the Continentals." Well, I got 1st runner up, which in the pageant world is just a nice way to say "You didn't win! 2nd place!" :) I made that 'deal' I guess because I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my family, friends, and boyfriend behind. But I needed a change and space from the unhealthy relationship I was in and God made it happen.

I went on a 3 month singing tour with the Continentals a few months after that pageant. We did 1-3 shows a day with full set up and tear down. We had choreography and it was awesome. I was blessed to be the Assistant Director and a lead vocalist. Our tour took us to nearly every state in America. We only missed several like Maine, Florida, Hawaii, and Alaska. Anyway, while on tour I struggled with my importance and who I was. One night we were in New Hampshire, I think, and we did our show at a smallish church. Afterwards this handsome guy who I think was a pastor there (???) came up to me and warmly and slowly said, "you were captivating." It wasn't like he was hitting on me or anything weird, it was like it was God saying it to me. It was as if God said, "I think you are amazing. On a stage full of talented performers, you stand out, you are important, you are enough."

Ironically, it ended up being a Continentals concert where my dad heard and saw me perform for the first time. We did a show about 40 minutes from where he lives and he and my step-mom came and watched and I even got to stay the night at their house. So cool. Full circle. The story isn't over though. My dad and I continue to build our relationship and I believe it's valuable both for healing for myself and for him. My God is a God of second chances and I hope I don't stand in His way.

1 comment:

  1. That was so beautiful thank you for sharing the story about your dad. I can already see that he has done a lot of work healing you and I know that will continue. Praise God for the wonderful father and husband he has provided you for your girls.