Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Sleepy Ramblings...

I'm sitting here on the couch not really watching the TV with my little big Evie passed out on me. We are not doing CIO at night, for now, although ironically once we quit CIO she decided to still cry for an hour each night while I was holding her and loving on her! Last weekend I was out late with her both Fri and Sat night and she did well at both things but then our nighttime routine has taken a beating ever since. I'm thinking she may be getting past the newborn stage where you can do anything and mess up their schedule without big consequences.

Today she woke at 7:30am and napped for 40 minutes around 10:30am and then didn't sleep again until 6pm! It was a crazy day with her. On our pediatrician's recommendation we tried sleep training during naps today and it was awful. The first little nap was fine but when she passed out nursing at 2:30 I had to try for 2 whole hours to get her to sleep and it was completely unsuccessful. She's exhausted, but she fights it unless I'm holding her or she's in her swing. So I guess for now she'll either be with me or in the swing. I can't do 2 hours of crying and anxiety every day. Our ped said it could take 2 hours but I didn't think it actually would. And honestly at the 2 hour and 10 minute mark she was not at all winding down. My thought is that although she is chubby enough to sleep fine on her own she may not have the emotional or mental capacity to calm herself down yet. Today she would get in a tizzy and then pause like she was about to go to sleep and then within 30 seconds she'd be screaming again. It was as if she wanted to calm down and go to sleep but she literally couldn't. And then after the 2 hour nightmare she was all smiles! What a nut. So now perhaps I just need to adjust my expectations- she will not be sleeping through the night on her own from 4 months on like her big sissy :( Poo! Here's the deal, I wouldn't mind at all if I could put in her crib or bassinet and she'd sleep for a few hours and then wake to feed and then go to sleep again and then wake, etc. The problem is that she seriously won't sleep unless she's with me at night. Laundry, making dinner, paying bills, relaxing, cleaning, etc- yeah, not gonna happen. Nighttime is MY time. Or so I thought. Not yet I guess. Sure I can watch TV or Facebook while she's on my lap but that's about it. In the great big picture of life I know I'll look back and miss this time. I'll wish she'd still sleep in bed with me. But right now it's hard and I'm so tired. Last night I think she was up like 5 times (between 10pm and 7am)....she's 18lbs so clearly she doesn't need to eat that often, but eat she did. I will continue praying for peace in our home and for God to direct our parenting. I want to love and have grace for Evangeline regardless of where or how much she sleeps :)

So yesterday we got started on our veggie garden. I put Evie in the Bjorn since I thought she'd prefer to be looking around and Eliana had her gardening gloves and froggy boots on. It was a little crazy and I'm wondering how you moms get your planting done with infants? Within minutes Evie was fussing. How do you bend over to plant with an infant on your front? She's not old enough for back wearing yet and I can Moby, but she likes to be looking around and a part of things when she's awake. So between trying to keep her upright, keeping an eye on Elly digging up my just planted seeds, and getting things planted....hmmm, challenging! We managed to get 2 kinds of sugar peas (one bush, one pole), walla walla onions, and carrots planted. My personality likes to just go in, crank it out, and call it good. But with kids life takes more flexibility than that. I'll plant what I can and hopefully within a couple weeks it'll all be planted. I had Eliana place the seeds with me and when we covered them with soil we said," nigh-night peas, sleep good, grow us a nice dinner!" She liked seeing the 'baby carrots and onions", which were really just the seeds :) I think gardening is wonderful with children since they learn so much about where food comes from and what it looks like unprocessed.

The plan was to try and plant a lot more this weekend since it's supposed to be decent weather but it looks like Craig has to work :( I have my own feelings about him working weekends and I know he feels really bad whenever he has to deliver the news. For a lot of people working weekends is great since you either work less during the week or you get extra pay for the extra hours. Craig gets neither. He is salary. I have come to believe that salary is just short for " work extra hours nearly every week without extra pay." I feel....hmmmm, honestly probably anger, to think that he is working his butt off all weekend, without pay, instead of spending time with us. Yes, definitely anger. And then part of me says, well at least he has a job. And yes that's true, but it's still maddening to think that I wait all week to see him and so does Elly and then we don't even get a weekend with him nor do we get a larger paycheck to justify it. Ick. If he got overtime, or even normal pay, I would probably be ok with it. It would feel like he is working for something. This just feels pointless. And let's be honest, we don't go to work out of the goodness of our hearts. For most people if they didn't get paid they'd be home! But Craig is a worker bee. He will work just as hard this weekend as he does on a day he's getting paid for. I will continue to pray that someday we'll have good insurance and someday he'll get overtime.

Things are going well in the Farmhouse. It's feeling like home and I almost can't remember what it's like to be in a teeny tiny house. I'm getting a good workout going up and down 2 flights of stairs all day! Eliana is a pro on stairs now and loves playing around the house and hiding and getting into things :) I'm so thankful for this house. A couple years ago I remember us going through some really tough stuff and Craig was really frustrated and said something to the effect of, "we tithe, we love God, we work hard, we try and do the right thing, why is life always so hard? Why are we not seeing any 'fruit'?" I couldn't really answer him other than to say that a lot of the hardships we faced were consequences to actions he did before he even met me. Consequences don't just disappear when we start following the Lord. I told him we should be diligent and that fruit would come, eventually. I feel like this house is fruit. And if you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about- learn about bearing fruit. It was a long time coming and it's nice to see some fruit, it feels like "yes we are doing things right. God is watching and he's rewarding." I imagine it's easy for people to think things are easy for us. We have two beautiful children, I'm a stay at home mom, Craig has a job, how hard can life be, right? Hard. Life can be hard. This particular time of life, other than the sleep deprivation, has been beautiful and fairly easy. The 5 years prior to this had been quite rough though. It's good to remember we all have a story and no matter how beachy someone's life looks, they may have faced unimaginable hardships. So yes, after some rough years, I'm super thankful for this house. Thank you Jesus.

2 comments:

  1. What about laying a blanket down and letting Evie lie on her back or tummy with a couple toys?

    I would clean and do things with T in the sling or ergo and bending down was always a challenge. I couldn't do anything that involved a lot of time like that while wearing him for sure.

    BTW - it's true about working salary! I do nights and weekends regularly! (from home though and on my own schedule) Generally it means better pay and benefits. Craig doesn't get that so I'm not sure what the upside is for him. Job security? Not sure if he wants to stay there long term or not but maybe there are other places with better benefits/pay/hours?

    I'm happy to hear though that you're enjoying the fruit of your faith :D more will come!

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  2. I'm sorry this is such a rough time with Evie sleeping. Maddy was a very difficult sleeper, and she did stay in bed with us at night. I think I already mentioned that CIO did not work as we endured 4 agonizing months of her screaming for hours at a time. It was super traumatic for all of us.

    You've probably already read up on everything you can . . . but there was a book about a bedtime routine and a 3-hour sleep cycle? I can't remember the name . . . but does that sound familiar?

    The good news is that Maddy NOW takes 3 hour naps most days and goes to bed without crying. It just took a LONG time and was a rough journey. I hope for all of your sakes that she will start to figure out everything soon. And that you are able to get some rest, too.

    So happy to hear that you are loving the Farmhouse! And yes, the salary part is true. Money is hard to go without, but time you can NEVER get back. I think you are justified in your frustration.

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