Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Here's a thought:

If our bodies don't work the way we think they will and they give us a heck of a time just trying to conceive...how can we trust them to do birth like they are supposed to?

I just read a question similar to this on a birth page and it made me stop and go "hmmmm. I NEVER thought of that before but it totally makes sense!"

We started actively trying to get pregnant in August 2006 (meaning trying with docs and everything because just being off birth control wasn't doing jack). We didn't conceive until almost March of 2008. It was agonizing. And I know many many people would think that is a cake walk as they've been trying for much longer. I empathize and I ache for you. All I can speak about is my own pain and what it felt like for us. My body did fail me. I am a woman. I am supposed to have eggs and I am supposed to ovulate. After ovulation I am supposed to menstrate. Other than already having eggs (we're born with our life supply) my body did NONE of those things. I felt like a failure and like "what kind of woman am I?" We conceived on 200mg of Clomid which is about the highest dose an OB will let you take. It was also cycle 6 which is usually the last cycle they'll let you take before you need a break or they suggest IUI or IVF. Every month was emotionally painful and sex was a stressful chore. When I got pregnant I continued to see the OB that helped us with the fertility problems. I didn't appreciate her underhanded jabs about my weight but didn't really understand I could transfer care. Looking back it's appalling to me that I went home in tears 2x after she slyly called me fat! I already knew I was overweight and the 30lbs I gained during the stressful years of infertility weren't helping anything :( Anyway, I trusted the 'system' that got me pregnant to help me have a beautiful labor and delivery. FAIL.

So anyway, I could write all night but I think I'll let this one simmer......I think on some level the way my first labor and delivery played out have something to do with me not trusting my body that couldn't even get pregnant on it's own. Sad and clearly not God's plan for me. My 2nd labor and delivery were completely different and totally healing because I learned to trust my body and God's plan for childbirth.

2 comments:

  1. But what if that pain was a part of God's plan?

    He used that pain to grow you and turn it into something beautiful. You are a more powerful messenger now sharing his goodness with all your friends and faithful readers :)

    Do you feel like you had lost faith in him because of the body he gave you?

    food for thought! have a good night!

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  2. I think you're definitely right that God knew in his Master plan that things would work out this way. In that respect I'm honored He chose me (or Evie :) ) to be His messenger of what birth can be like and about trusting Him and our bodies. Part of me wishes things had been easier with Eliana and that I didn't have to go through any of it but I moreso just wish her birth wouldn't have been so heavily medically intervened and that I wouldn't have been so naive and just went along with all the crap they do to new babies :( Poor little baby. Evie has had a much better start.

    I have always felt called to be a mother, that it's part of my life journey and so I believe on some level I knew it would happen, but there were some dark moments that I wondered about it and was irritated that God didn't just ZAP me pregnant. lol.

    9 months before I conceived Eliana, Craig and I went to a prayer meeting and a prophetic prayer was said over us. It was about my womb being blessed and things of that nature. It felt hurtful and sad at the time because I didn't understand why someone would say my womb was blessed when we were in the thick of infertility. But everything in HIS time :)That prayer was incredible and the prophecy was true.

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