Monday, August 5, 2013


So, yesterday I might've sat on the floor in the baby's room and cried just a little. Baby clothes, a decorated nursery, diapers, a co-sleeper, new baby carriers, and even nursing dresses....I have it this time but yet still no baby. Intellectually I know that babies come when they are ready and I should just chill out and enjoy this time with my girls. But to be honest, I just feel frustrated. Every afternoon by about 3pm my house is nearly 80 degrees. The girls still aren't sleeping well at all and my long days start by 6am every single day. The house has been cleaned and scrubbed, laundry is caught up, and here I am realizing I'm going have to do it all over again top to bottom because this baby is taking so long. Craig is finishing a big job at work and has probably a week left on the project. I do feel some sort of pressure to not screw things up and make life harder for him by making him miss the last week of it (the pressure is not from him). And if I do go into labor, will he have 12 calls a day from people trying to figure out how to do stuff without him? Will he have to take off randomly to go lock or unlock things and help sub-contractors figure stuff out? That doesn't sound like a fun way to spend the very few days I'll have with him home after baby comes.

I have been feeling pleased with myself for being really healthy this pregnancy. Other than days I really over do it (like shampooing the entire house worth of carpets) or have way too much stress, my blood pressure has been great. My urine tests have always been perfect and I'm up 34lbs total still. I have hardly any swelling and can easily still wear my wedding ring at 40w3d. So, it caught me off guard a bit last night when my midwife called and said she thinks we should do a liver panel based on my slightly elevated bp readings last Tuesday (they were like 132/78). I can bet money on why they were stepson has been making some hurtful choices and it's been difficult for Craig and me. Also on that day the midwife called and said, "I thought you had an appointment at 4." I said, "it's on Wednesday this week just like last week." Who knows who was 'right', but it meant rearranging my afternoon and bolting out the door as soon as Craig got home. Not ideal. 

I'm now waiting on the chiropractor, who canceled on me Friday to head to a birth, as I'm really hoping I can get in today and then have to call my midwife to figure out where/when to get labs done. All because of one day of high bp readings and zero other symptoms.Sounds a bit like my first birth experience, right?  Doesn't exactly seem like the midwifery model of care to me but I'm not sure how to deal with it. Between still being pregnant, being physically very tired daily because of my children, feeling frustrated/angry/rejected by my stepson's choices, Craig having stuff at work that in my mind feels more important to everyone (not just him, but others) than me having a baby, and now my midwife wanting to check for an issue that seems to not exist at all.....I just feel like why bother saying no or fighting for myself right now. I told Craig last night I just want to have this baby alone. Not call anyone when I'm in labor and just be by myself. I feel like I'm the only one in my immediate circle who is excited to meet this baby and I'm the only one who thinks my body is doing well and can have this baby no problem. That's messed up.

It's hard to trust your body when your care provider seems not to. I have been told more times than I care to try and count just how much 'padding' I have on my belly....makes it "hard to measure or know where baby is." Really? Does this look like extra padding? My belly is stretched so tight my skin is sore and my belly button, now an outty, actually hurts. But yet, I feel like I'm a huge nasty ogre based on the comments I hear every single week at my care provider. Then you add the liver panel for no reason and I can't help but think she's suggesting it based on my 'size'. Yeah, I don't weight 130lbs....I NEVER will. And honestly, I was 40lbs heavier with Evie at this point and my then-midwife never had a single problem finding all her little body parts and never made rude comments about my size.

(37 weeks, 5 days)

I feel down about stuff, all things combined. Doesn't feel like a great way to go into labor or to experience labor. Which is why I have the crazy thoughts about just doing it all alone. I don't need negativity at my birth.
Some days I do really well about putting all the crap aside and thinking good thoughts and praying about stuff and I feel like I'm able to overcome. I'm not feeling that way right now. I'll be fine. Eventually this baby will come out. Just right now is a frustrating time for me.
(Followup: my liver panel came back completely normal)

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