I think mostly I just felt the need to follow this motto, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." As you can tell by my last post, it's been a rough go with my little man. I didn't want to post 8 blogs of me complaining about raising toddlers while also coping with a colicky baby, so I just posted nothing. But, I am still alive, still kicking! Still raising toddlers and coping with a colicky baby :) I miss blogging, though. I miss the transfer of thoughts from my brain to the keyboard. It's therapeutic for me. I have loved writing since as long as I can remember. And specifically, typing. I took keyboarding for 2 years in high school and can type at about 89 words per minute. My fingers can almost keep up with my brain, so writing long blogs goes fairly smoothly. I can definitely type faster than I can hand write!
Part of the reason for my absence has been me dealing with post partum 'something'. I have not been depressed, but I've been anxious, angry, stressed, and mean. It's been a strange time and I've been getting help. I fully plan to write more about it all, but it's still a work in progress right now as I get sorted out.
My dear baby boy is almost 4 months old. He's probably nearing 20lbs by now. We have good days and we have bad days. It's unpredictable. He is starting to allow to me put him down for 2 minutes here and there but still will only sleep on or with me (day and night). He's currently asleep on my lap as I type, which is how my night is every single night. The screaming sessions seem to overall be decreasing, but then we'll end up having a day of non stop screaming just out of nowhere. It's a weird journey. My girls both just had birthdays, they are 5 and 3 now and totally precious. Eliana, 5, is witty, smart, funny, sassy, and lives in princess land 24/7. She loves to dance, hug, sing, play pretend, and talk to her baby brother. She says to him, "Who is the sweetest baby in the world???!," over and over in a sing-song voice until he smiles at her. He adores her. Like sort of idolizes her. He looks at her with admiration and love. Pretty darn cute. Evangeline, 3, is a seriously hilarious kid. The other day Craig said to her, after she'd been flipping lights on and off a million times, "Evie, leave the lights alone, stop messing with them!!!" and she turns around to him and says totally genuinely, "You're the best daddy in the whole wide word, thank you for turning the lights off!" Oh man, we cracked up! Last week she was sick in the middle of the night and we all woke up to quite a mess in her bed. She commented, "I had a throat in my mouth and it went all over my bed." I'm not sure that a single day goes by without her saying something funny. The girls are truly a joy. Parenting is messy, frustrating, EXHAUSTING, but also beyond incredible. Even as young children, they are so individual, so unique, so forgiving, so open minded and creative. They are beautiful souls. Eliana loves Jesus so much. She loves to pray and learn Bible stories. Tonight I caught her crouched on the floor with her hands folded and she informed me she was praying to God and telling Him she loves Him. She's a pretty rad kid. Her perspective on life is always refreshing and helps me see things in a new way.
Kids are so good at dealing with the tough issues. While decorating our Christmas tree a few days ago I came across an ornament I bought in remembrance of the baby I miscarried in July, 2012.
It's me holding my little baby. I purchased it from Garden Birdie on Etsy.
As I unwrapped the tissue paper from the ornament I looked at Craig and then at Eliana, wondering if it would be ok to let her know what that ornament represents. Up to that point I'd never mentioned the miscarriage to the children. I decided to briefly mention it to Eliana and I said, "Elly, before Solomon was in my tummy, there was another little baby that lived in there. It went to heaven and lives with Jesus now." She asked what it's name was and what it looked like. I responded, "We never got to meet the baby or name it, but someday we'll get to meet it, when we go to heaven." She accepted it all so innocently, with no baggage or burden. She believes in heaven and she knows that's where Uncle Jim, Grandma Linda, Grandpa Truman, and our dog Max live. To her it makes perfect sense that our little baby would be there with family. She nodded in understanding, smiled, and went back to decorating the tree. I felt validated to be able to speak out loud about my baby, as more than just a miscarriage, and for another person to so totally accept the whole situation.
Today my mom was over and Eliana showed her the ornament and said, "this is mom and the baby that she used to have. We didn't get to see it or name it, it lives in heaven." So simple and accepting. Children are amazing.