Monday, June 22, 2015

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

I have been doing PiYo for almost 4 months and combined with a low carb-high protein-ketogenic diet I've lost 35lbs!
It seems last week I hit a brick wall. I think I partially just got bored with PiYo. My routine of getting up and working out no matter what just didn't happen. I couldn't seem to force myself. I worked out 1x at home and ran at the track once. A lot less than I was doing. I've also been feeling sort of "off". Lethargic, sad, moody, craving sugar a lot, my skin is breaking out...all things that point to a hormonal slump, which can happen with PCOS. Honestly, I feel so crappy I took two pregnancy tests just to be sure- both negative. I've been reading studies and learning more about this endocrine disorder I have. It doesn't only effect weight and physical symptoms, it also greatly affects moods and mental health. It was like I went from super motivated and energetic to exhausted and unmotivated overnight. Nothing happened to cause it. It's part of living with an endocrine disorder. I feel like I'm just waiting to feel normal again. I ordered a new workout to start next week and I hope that will help, too.

I've had something on my mind. How does a person find balance with working out,  tracking foods/macros, etc? Being fit feels all consuming. I feel conflicted...the obsession of working out and macros all day every day can't be healthy. I follow a lot of fitness people on Instagram and there is a trend, few of them have kids. Most of them are single. They work a full day, then hit the gym til bedtime, then go to sleep and do it all again. They quote to never miss a workout, it's all in your head, health is your life, etc! I'm beginning to read these quotes and see their lifestyle of nothing but work and working out and feel frustrated with myself. How is someone like me with an endocrine disorder that smacks me sideways, 3 young kids, and a husband supposed to achieve and maintain being really fit? It makes me question everything I'm doing. It makes the climb feel impossibly steep.

Last night my toddler was awake literally half the night. He just wouldn't sleep and this is sadly very common. I woke up exhausted, a bit angry, and then have to fight that all day. I think this is life for a lot of mothers. Our lives are not our own. We don't get to go 'check out' in the gym or spend 4 hours on a Sunday meal-prepping a weeks worth of meals just for us. I don't get to go to sleep and sleep deeply and blissfully, waking rested and ready to tackle the day. Add onto it all PCOS and the moods,  exhaustion, and sugar cravings it causes and geez, I feel like a mess! 

Fitness can feel so daunting for a mother. We know we need to "take time for ourselves", but practically speaking, how do we do that? I can't hire a babysitter every time I go for a run or workout. I can't budget in a gym membership and childcare for 3. So I workout amidst the craziness of my kids and I run pushing kids in a stroller. When I ran on Saturday the 1 year old screamed almost the whole time. It is easy to question, "is this even worth it?" I know my kids won't be little forever, but they will be for a while and they have been for 7 years. 

This week in my slump I feel frustrated with my hormones, tired of working out with kids screaming and fighting, and sick of cod and broccoli. Instagram is like Facebook in that most people only post their  successes, pics of their healthy food and great workouts. I have to hope they are human like me and hit these proverbial brick walls. I had a "cheat meal" a week ago on a date with hubs. I had a burger and fries at Red Robin and swedish fish at a movie. I gained 6lbs. It was not water weight, I still haven't lost it 10 days later. With PCOS, one meal can ruin a month of work. I think it's very difficult for non PCOS people to understand how severe it is. I imagine it sounds like an excuse for us to be fat. It's not, it's a reality. A harsh one. A depressing reality. 

I might wake tomorrow, out of my slump, motivated. I hope so! But today I feel bummed and overwhelmed, so I'm blogging my thoughts. I can't be alone, right?

I realize I've made huge progress and being down 30lbs still is awesome. I have seen my body change so much. I've worked out with great persistance and determination. I have eaten low carb-high protein for months and months. I have worked hard to be disciplined! I am not throwing in the towel or saying Screw Fitness. I'm just chewing the cud on this one. How to be balanced. How to maintain fitness. How to keep continually counting carbs and watching macros (protein-fat-carb ratios). 

I hope over time I will figure all this out. I have the rest of my life to do so, right? Thanks for being on this journey with me. 


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