Friday, May 28, 2010

Prayers for those still TTC

Happy Friday all! I hope most of you at least get 2 days off this weekend. My hubby actually gets three off. Memorial Day and Labor Day are the two holidays (besides Christmas and Thanksgiving) that his company pretty much always celebrates.
I'm singing at church on Sunday so half the day will be busy, but we might go to Trader Joe's or Cabela's on Monday, just for something to do :)
It's 9:30 and Eliana is still sleeping. I've learned not to go in and get her when I hear her talking because she usually will go back to sleep and then she's much happier when she wakes up. And it's a total plus for this tired, pregnant mom to get to sleep in! Elly continues to be my gentle little princess. She has such a sweet spirit and I'm so privileged to be her mother. Sometimes I feel a little sad that she has less than 6 months left with just her and me :( Little does she (or do I for that matter!) know how much life will change with another baby. I'm trying to really enjoy her and cherish the days together, even the many recently filled with rain and us being stuck indoors. The concept of another baby in me has been a little hard to grasp because my only knowledge of a child being mine is Eliana...it's weird to think there is a whole other baby with it's own personality, hair color, etc. Weird, but cool.

Children are a blessing, and a challenge! Sometimes I think God gives us children to teach us about Him; unconditional love, discipline...and the immense, deep love a Father has for His children.

I continue to love, support, and pray for you my friends that are still trying to get pregnant. I know it can become all consuming and all of life is seen through the filter of not being able to conceive. But women, remember you are more than your ability to get pregnant. You are a strong woman with many gifts and a purpose in life. Your Womanhood is not compromised because you are having trouble getting pregnant. If your husband is a gem he will not love you any less, but maybe even more because of the trials you are enduring. Shrug off the strange opinions from those who have not dealt with infertility (such as, "just get drunk and it'll happen"- I hate that one!), and ignore the comments from those who do not share your faith. And the innocent people who ask, "when will you be starting your family?" Well....remember they are innocent. I usually answered, "when God feels it's time for us." And yes, it always hurt. But I tried to keep in mind that I didn't owe anyone an explanation and I didn't need to feel bad about not having kids yet. In due time.

Hugs and have a blessed weekend friends!
And as is always in my heart- thank you to the men and women who serve and risk their lives every day for my family and me to enjoy the freedom we do!!!
Diana

Monday, May 24, 2010

As planned I spent most of today on the phone about our insurance situation. Called DSHS to make sure Elly could get Apple as long as she's not on any other coverage and that's a go. Called Regence 3x to make sure that I would not be denied prenatal and delivery coverage as part of a pre-existing condition and that's good. I qualify for HIPAA coverage which states that if you've been covered in a group policy for 18 months or more you are exempt from the new client exlusions- yay! The policy just doesn't want someone with no coverage to go, "oh I'm 5 months pregnant, better get insurance!" So, even though I am greatly reducing my out of pocket costs, I am currently covered so looked at differently. Then it was multiple phone calls to find out if it's possible to drop Eliana and me from the current plan to get the ball rolling towards good things. This was nervewracking; leaving messages, calling and calling, sending an email.....the lady did call back around 2pm and said we can be dropped at any time on email request by Craig's HR but we cannot be added back on until open enrollment in January. This is perfect for us since the baby is due in November! I will be keeping the kids (whoah, plural 'kids'!) on Apple, but at least I will have the option to go on the group plan again.
So, now I am waiting for the approval from Regence for the Evolve Plus Individual Plan. It's a $1k deductible and then 20% coinsurance after that. Not nearly the plan I had when I had Eliana but SO much better than our current policy. I appreciate all the advice and support. I think it got me thinking about options all over again and they're working out so far. I don't think I'll have a problem getting approved by Regence. On the huge health questionairre the only thing I answered yes to was 'polycystic ovaries'. This hardly seems like a reason to deny coverage to somone. I'll keep you all posted, it'll be at least a week til I know.

Yesterday I had two friends really bless me. One offered to give me a baby item I have really been wanting for the new baby but just really can't afford. She said I'd been on her heart to give it to and this just blesses me so much, to tears really. With thousands of dollars of insurance stuff happening, sometimes it's these smaller and generous gestures that mean so much. Another friend offered for me to borrow her maternity clothes and I'm excited about that. I'm rotating a few shirts and shorts right now and that's about all. When people go out of their way to bless me it shows me how God cares about the little things and no matter how overwhelmed I am with what I believe to be the 'big picture'....He is the only one who knows the big picture and yet He still blesses me in smaller ways. I hope I will listen when God places it on my heart to bless someone else because we honestly never know how much these gestures mean to someone else.

Today was my OB appointment. I wasn't really nervous about it, just hoping to hear the heartbeat and for there to be no issues.
My BP was 120/80 (close to last time, maybe a little higher on the bottom number) and my weight was 5lbs less than last month. Good numbers! I told the dr I feel like pregnancy is the only time I don't gain weight easily and how weird I thought that was. She really gets PCOS and explained that during pregnancy my metabolic state is pretty much like a normal non-PCOS person. The extra caloric burn and metabolism of the baby balances out my usual fat gain mode. Pretty cool. At this point (of course I have a lot of weeks left) we're looking good. If I can keep the weight gain to a minimum then issues with diabetes, preeclampsia and some others I forget will be much less likely.
She was able to find the heartbeat quickly with the dopplar, so no issues at all. The heart rate was around 150 and she said it sounded really strong. The baby moved a few times during the dopplar, too. Wish I could feel those moves!
I have another appointment in a month and at that point we'll schedule the 18-20 week ultrasound (gender, too!!!) and the quad screen. I realize the quad screen is very controversial among Christians. The reason I've chosen to do it with both of my babies is because I personally feel that if something is wrong, I want to know and be able to educate myself and get my home ready for any special needs. I will NEVER abort a baby so that is definitely not my reason for getting the quad screen.
Anyway, things are good and it was special to hear the little heartbeat. It's always surreal that there is a real live baby in me!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Follow up to the tirade :)

So, in an update to the last blog (re: lack of insurance) I'll be making more calls on Monday to try and figure some stuff out.
The reason why Elly didn't qualify for the Apple program wasn't income as they are actually very broad income guidelines (we'd just have to pay $20 a month), but because they consider our disaster policy to be 'credible coverage'. Ridiculous, I know, but what can you do? So, tomorrow I will be calling EHL and seeing if it's possible for Eliana to be dropped from Craig's policy during the year (open enrollment is a ways off I believe). If I can then she can be in the Apple program. Of course I will be calling and double checking that the existing policy was truly the only reason for her denial before I have her dropped from the policy. And then once the new baby is here they can also be in the Apple program for another $20 a month. Fingers crossed that my idea works out!
The other idea is to see if I can be dropped from the policy and added to a different Regence individual plan. There is one with a $1000 deductible and maternity coverage for $221 a month. The only thing is I can't have the disaster policy and the new one at the same time. So once again it's up to whether they'll release me form the policy mid year.....
The way it looks so far mathwise is that if I stay on the group policy I have to pay another $4k out of pocket before insurance kicks in at all. If I switch to the new one it's only $1k out of pocket until insurance starts paying and $221 a month. In order to reach the $4k out of pocket I could pay for insurance monthly for 13 months and still come out ahead. Does that make sense? I'm doing the math on how long it would take to reach $4k out of pocket on each plan.....And I can drop the Individual plan at any time and go back to the group plan. I talked to a rep on the phone on Fri who didn't see a problem with all this but then as I was reading fine print that night I noticed the policy says you can't be pregnant when you start the policy. I'm hoping that only applies if you have no previous coverage, whereas I have much more than the required 18 months of prior continuous coverage. I went ahead and applied for this coverage just to get things going. I still need to find out if ultrasounds and labwork are covered, I'm really hoping they are. Up to this point that's what's really been killing me.
Lots up in the air, but I'm not giving up. Hopefully I'll get answers tomorrow!
Thanks for the empathy and support guys. Life can be so complicated sometimes.

On a better note, I'm 14 weeks today. My little baby is the size of a lemon already! I really thought I felt the baby moving in church today but then just thought maybe I was being crazy. Who knows! :)

Friday, May 21, 2010

A bitter diatribe- perhaps addressed to our President (or it should be!)

Gee, what's an underinsured American family supposed to do?

I'm so frustrated. Craig and I live frugally and do so to be financially responsible and not be a burden on society by having to go into foreclosure or bankruptcy, etc. But it feels sometimes that our hard work doesn't really mean a hill of beans. It's overwhelming when literally every few days another medical bill comes and they have been about $150 each; Elly's ear infection appointment, Diana OB labwork, Diana limited Ultrasound, etc, etc, etc. Then there's the issue of not having dental or vision either. I called Peninsula Community Health this morning to ask what it would cost to take Elly in for a checkup....$200. Really? That's more than any of the actual dentists offices! For Craig, Elly, and I to have cleanings and X-rays once a year it's over $600. And then of course we better hope no one has a cavity or anything else.
I'm just frustrated when we don't go out to eat (Silver City I miss you!), we don't go to the movies (I went 3x in the last year), we don't buy fun new toys (I don't know anyone with an old tube tv, except us)....and then we still end up with debt because of not having medical insurance other than disaster coverage.
I was looking online (again) today at private coverage and thought I had found some for around $600 for our family, but then I realized these plans don't cover any maternity or office visits. The plan that does is actually $1200 a month!
So, what's a family to do? I could go back to work and put Eliana in daycare from 8am to 7pm and see my paychecks go to daycare just so we have insurance....but doesn't that picture seem wrong to you? Why should a family that pays property taxes, income taxes, and sales tax be put in a position that of all the help available from the state of Washington, we don't qualify for any of it? Supposedly we make too much. Really? I'd like anyone to come take a stab at paying our mortgage, Craig's child support and student loans, buying groceries and then see if they can find $150 a week (or more) to spend on medical. It's ludicrous. And it seems unfair to me that we, being in a slightly higher income bracket, are not eligible for anything when we in fact are the ones paying higher tax dollars to keep these programs going!
Of course you shouldn't need government medical if you make 6 figures a year, and I can say we are not even close.
With so much money going out the door to medical crap it doesn't leave much left for anything else, especially for my family to do fun things. I'd like to take Eliana to swim lessons, but that costs money. It's hard to come up with money for something as simple as a mommy group. And I feel angry that it's like that for us since we don't get to spend money on fun things (Mazatlan was a gift from family and a major exception to our normal lifestyle). Poor Craig feels defeated half the time that he works so hard (55 hour work weeks lately with NO overtime) and yet our family never gets ahead. I wait for our tax refund every year just to try and pay off the medical that's accrued on our credit card.
The mass majority of my friends have great medical through their husband's employers. They can have babies and pay less than $1000. They get sick or injured and don't think twice about going to the dr. When I was 9 weeks pregnant and had the flu I was majorly dehydrated and felt worse than I had in years. I was worried I'd lose the baby. A nurse friend said she really thought I needed to go in and get hydrated and checked out. Know why I didn't? It would've cost a fortune.
I suppose you could blame us for following God's direction in our lives that I stay home and raise our children.....and I will tell you that at the time our deductible was a little over $3000. Since then it's jumped to $5000.
Right before Elly was born was when the crap hit the fan. Prior to that we had great insurance through Craig then it changed to a high deductible, disaster plan one month before she was born. I had BofA insurance until Elly was 5 months old so her birth didn't cost us much at all. I can say I had no idea how much insurance actually covered. When you have insurance, sure, you look at your explanation of benefits, but unless you're actually getting bills for appointments and lab work......you have no idea how much it costs for people without insurance. And medical care isn't like going to McDonalds where all the prices are listed. You can ask for prices ahead of time but they'll still tell you not to quote them and that it can change based on how the dr codes it for billing, etc.

I feel like I'm resigned to have medical debt and that irritates the crap out of me. None of the options are good at this point; buy individual plans to the tune of $1200 a month, keep paying out of pocket for everything.....the whole situation sucks. And yes I could do a midwife and a home birth, but that's still $3000 and up and doesn't even touch the issue of Craig and Eliana not having medical coverage and the fact that none of us have dental or vision.

I wish Craig had lived here when he was 18 and had been able to get in at the Shipyard or Bangor or somewhere like that. But the sad reality for us is that there's no way we can live on the apprentice wages there (around $15 to start) and it would take at least 5 years for his wages to get back to where they are now. That's the difference between being 31 with a wife and a 3rd kid on the way and being 18 and single. If he knew then what he knows now, right?

The thing I want to remember is that God always provides for us and although we don't have money for what we want, He provides for what we need, right? Right?????  Some days I can positive self-talk myself into smiling and not worrying about it all and then some days like today I just want to scream and punch the lady on the phone line who says, "you make too much money." I just wish this wasn't a constant struggle for us and unfortunately for those in the 'middle class (although according to Obama we're more like low class)' bracket it's a tough pill to swallow. If Craig were to quit his job and go work at Jack in the Box we would qualify for WIC, Basic Health, DSHS, Washington Apple and food stamps. But because he went to school and studied for a specific career and works long hours every day, we can't get any help. It's just so messed up.
Reminds me how I felt in high school when I wasn't eligible for most student loans or grants since I was white and from a middle class family. Nevermind that neither I nor my parents had money to pay for 4 years of college. Therefore I went to OC and only got my AAS. Ok, that's a whole different issue, but you get my point.

I realize I sound a bit bitter and in fact, I am. The whole situation is not fair. To read in Reader's Digest this month the major funding (billions!) that goes to subsidize American farm owners who are in fact deceased, millionaires, or citizens of another country just adds salt to my wounds. There is so much misuse of funding in America and then people like us who truly need it- can't get it. BARF.

Thank you all for letting me vent, it does help a little actually.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Gentle Whisper

I'm feeling today like it's going to be SO long until I meet this baby. Pregnancy seems to go by slow when you're in the middle of it and then super fast when you look back on it. Isn't most of life like that though?

I'm a good 15lbs (maybe more) less at 13 1/2 weeks with this child than I was with Eliana, so I'm very glad about that. Some of my maternity clothes are too big, but I'm sure they'll fit better in a few months. I fantasize about going into labor naturally and not having to be induced and go that whole route. It was miserable for me. Plus I feel so super strongly about letting the baby tell your body when it is ready. What should naturally happen is for the baby to send signals to your body to move things along.......not your body sending signals to the baby! For this to happen properly with me my blood pressure needs to stay healthy and my weight gain needs to be minimal, as in 15lbs or less. Last time around I kept my weight gain at 9lbs until the last week or so. When I delivered I was 28lbs up (total). Talk about fluid (from the Preeclampsia)! It was really painful. I couldn't move my ankles for almost 2 weeks after delivery and I had severe night sweats as my body was needing to drop all that fluid. I was so puffy. In my perfect world, my weight gain would be around 10lbs total and I would labor naturally and have the baby without pitocin or tearing. So basically I want the birth to be opposite from last time :) haha I even read some midwifery websites today and tried to ask myself, "Gosh, could I do a homebirth?" At this point, it's outside my comfort zone just a bit too much. That and I'm probably considered high risk being overweight and having previously been preeclamptic (is that a word?). I'll continue to keep it in my back pocket in case something happens with my OB's office that I really disagree with, but at this point I really like my OB. I'm more just concerned about the high incidence of inductions and c-sections with an OB and hospital versus a midwife and homebirth. Some places have cool birthing centers staffed by midwives, but to my knowledge Kitsap County doesn't have that yet. Harrison's birthing center is really nice and I'm anticipating a great experience, there's just some fear about history repeating itself for me.
I think all I can do now is try to be as healthy as I can and deal with stress in a healthy way, and pray for God to give me the desires of my pregnant heart :)

A friend and I were chatting tonight after Newlife Church's women's event and I shared a verse I read in my most recent Karen Kingsbury novel (I love her!).
1 Kings 19:11-13 (New International Version)


11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

I don't know about you, but I don't spend too much time in the Old Testament usually, but this passage is a nugget of gold for sure. I think it's beautiful and speaks about the character of our God, that He doesn't try to push us over or force us to listen to Him. Instead He softly speaks to our hearts and draws us to Him in love, never forcing us. I'm so thankful to serve a God who loves me so much and always meets me right where I am in that moment and chooses to pursue me and constantly call my name with love. For me He is Saviour, Friend, Ruler, Lover, and for most of my life- Father. Being a parent has definitely tenderized my heart and given me so much perspective about how God maybe feels about how we behave and how deeply He must love us.

I had the challenge and privelege (it was both!) of being Assistant Director and vocalist on a 3 month long US tour with the Continental Singers about 7 years ago. It was so challenging living on an old bus with 25 other people and sleeping in stranger's homes every night and being in a new town nearly every day. During this time I learned so much about trusting God since I literally had no control over anything. I never knew what the next day would hold for me (this drove my planning personality crazy for the first month!), so I had no choice but to leave it in God's hands. There was one night I really felt like God had a message for me. After an evening show a handsome guy came up to me and said, "You were captivating." Strangely I didn't take it as him hitting on me or anything weird. I was extremely flattered but more than anything thought, "Wow, that's exactly what God says about me. HE thinks I am captivating!" Every now and then I remember that night and I remind myself that no matter what I think about myself, I will always be loved and captivating to my Lord. I love it when I actually listen to His gentle whisper :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Yesterday marked 13 weeks in this pregnancy. My little babe is about 3 inches long and weighs an ounce. I'm feeling pretty good most of the time. Super tired the last couple days but hoping to get more energy anyday.
My OB apt for today was rescheduled (again!) to next Monday. Such a bummer to have to wait another week to hear little bean's heartbeat.
It's nice not to have keep the pregnancy a secret anymore, that was honestly really hard and frustrating. We had to keep it hush for almost 11 weeks since we found out about being pregnant so early this time. Of course this is a personal choice and not everyone chooses to wait til the 1st trimester is done to share the news; I just felt like that was the wisest choice for us. I've known so many women who have miscarried all the way until the 12th or 13th week and I just didn't want to deal with what I've seen other people deal with as far as sharing the news and then constantly having to retract the news for months as they run into people who didn't know they'd miscarried. It's just super sad.
So anyway, I'm glad things seem to be going well so far and I'm just waiting to hear the little heart. It's such a fragile feeling period of time between when you find out you're pregnant and when you feel the baby move; in between those milestones it's nervewracking! Hopefully another month or so and I'll start feeling regular movement :)
Alrighty, well I'm off to visit a friend and her 2 1/2 week old baby boy :) Also, got to meet a 5 week old baby this past weekend (the one my friend had in her car and was on the news!). So special to meet these new little people and share the joy with my friends.

PS. Did you all see the anti-breastfeeding article in May's Redbook??? It made me mad! I just sent an email to the editor at redbooked@hearst.com and I encourage you to do the same.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The big, wonderful news!

Hi folks! I'm still in Mazatlan, just 2 1/2 days left of vaca. Hubby went home Saturday :( so it's Eliana, my mom, sister, the grandparents, and my aunt, uncle, and 2 cousins. Tomorrow night is karoake and they've convinced me that Torres needs to hear a professional singer (I think they're right judging by what we heard last week from our room! haha). So I will be going down to sing and hoping they have some Lauren Hill or Whitney for me to do my thang :) We're all going to dinner earlier in the evening tomorrow to celebrate my cousin's graduation from Azusa! Way to go Kaylee! And also my cousin Lindsey's marriage engagement to Dan!!!

So, for those that aren't facebook friends or have missed the posts..........Craig and I are so thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Frazier #2 coming November 2010!!! YAY :)
Are you thinking, "uh, I thought you said you were taking a break".....or, "I had a feeling since you hadn't said much about trying,"........well, I figured some of you would have a guess about it. When it came down to it I was only a couple weeks along when we found out (if even that) and it just felt so fragile to tell the whole big wide world and you 700 monthly readers (thank you btw!). With our first we were so excited after 2 years of fertility treatments that we blabbed at 9 weeks and I had decided to wait at least that long this time. Part of the secrecy had to do with my dr being booked until my 9th week anyway. I didn't want to say anything before having an ultrasound or bloodwork at least. And then once we made it to 9 weeks it was like, well, what the heck let's just wait til 12. So I am 12 weeks and 1 day, roughly. We're 100% sure what day I ovulated (BBT charting and CM charting, as well as a progesterone blood draw) but implantation takes a few days so we can't be exactly sure when the baby is 'due' but looks like a couple days before Thanksgiving. As you know from previous posts I will advocate for the baby to stay in as long as possible and I'm dreaming of and praying for a labor that comes on it's own and is not medically induced.

*Note there is a acronym chart at the bottom of this post :)

So, how'd it all happen, besides the obvious :).......We started Clomid again in January (after 10 days of Provera to cause a period that I otherwise literally NEVER have). Around days 9 or 10 of Provera a period begins (day one of any bleeding is called Cycle Day 1 or CD1). On CD 5-9 I take Clomid. It's two tiny little white pills that you take once a day around the same time and it cost me about $20 for generic. I also did Basal Body Temping (BBT) starting on CD1 on fertilityfriend.com. I'm not a spokesperson for them or anything (although I should be!) but I highly recommend the website. I knew 2 days after implantation that I was pregnant and is really gives you a sense of what is going on with your body as well as allowing you to track all symptoms, intimacy, dr's appointments, etc. On CD 23 I went in for a progesterone blood draw. Most people go in on CD 20 or before, but I ovulate on CD 20 and you need to do it after ovulation in order to get the right number to show you ovulate. If you ovulate on CD 21 but test on CD 20 it'll say you didn't ovulate (since you haven't yet) and you'll get all depressed and maybe not have intimacy and then there's a wasted month. That's where the charting comes in handy since it'll tell you the exact day you ovulate and then you just confirm with the blood draw. The blood draw cost me $35.
Ok, so to clear it all up, here's the schedule:
For 10 days: 10mg (I think???) Provera (small pill once a day, costs $10 I think)
CD 5-9: 100 mg Clomid (2 tiny pills once a day, costs $20 for generic)
CD 23: Progesterone blood draw (the result was around 6.50, barely sufficient to signify ovulation, but enough; costs about $35)
CD 34: My period should start again if I'm not pregnant (I have long cycles)
*I also charted my temp and CM every day the whole month, took lots of vitamin supplements to help with insulin resistance, didn't have any alcohol, and worked on losing weight (I lost about 13lbs in January and another 7 in February).

Since it had been SO long since my last period (back when we were doing all this stuff to get pregnant with Elly) I had no idea how long my cycle would last. So when I got to 32 days, then 33 days.....I started thinking, 'wow, maybe I am pregnant, maybe it worked the first month!!!'' I called the nurse and she said to give it a couple more days then come on in. Well, wouldn't you know it on CD 34 my period started. This was good and bad news. The good news is that it was literally the first time in my entire life of 26 3/4 years that I have ever had a period without medicine making it happen. Wow!!!! The bad news of course was that although I did in fact ovulate, we didn't conceive :( Ok, back to the drawing board. We started all over again in February. The only difference was that since my body started a period on it's own (I think that's so awesome!) I could skip the Provera and just wait til CD 5 to start the Clomid. The nurse said it was a fantastic sign that I got my period on my own and we'd all be hopeful for the 2nd month. So, we did the same exact routine as January and even same dose of Clomid. Since it was enough to make me ovulate they didn't want to increase it. Clomid is the sort of thing where you either ovulate or you don't; it's not really a, "well maybe if I take more I'll ovulate more" type of thing. It's more yes or no and I got a yes at 100mg (note that I conceived Elly on 150mg so my body is more sensitive now, which is also great). From temping I knew that I'd ovulated on CD 20, same as January, so the blood draw was really just to confirm it. The nurse called the next day and my number was about 24, significantly higher than the month before. This was good news as well and a hopeful sign. Then it was the waiting game. So we waited and waited. Basically at that point you're either waiting for your period or a positive pregnancy test; it's one or the other. I waited til 11 days past ovulation (DPO) to take a home pregnancy test (HPT). It was negative. What a blow! Ugh, I was so upset. But, my chart that month had a 7 DPO dip which typically is only on a chart where implantation occurs. I poured over hundreds of charts on the website and only about 5% of charts with the dip weren't pregnant charts. By DPO 9 my temp shot right back up and that's why I took a HPT. So, I waited til CD 33 or 13 DPO (I know, I could've just waited for the next day to see if my period would start), but we were so anxious. Well, as luck would have it the first test didn't work! We waited 6 minutes and there was nothing in the little window at all and I definitely had enough pee. I went in on the computer kinda bummed and figured I wasn't meant to know yet.  A couple minutes later I snuck into the kitchen and looked at it again and there was a pink line and another faint pink line. Uh, WHAT??? I called Craig in and handed it to him and was like, geez what do we do now? I've never heard of a test suddenly working after almost 10 minutes. We grabbed the 2nd and last test we had and I drank tons of water and after the standard 3 minutes we had 2 lines again! WOW. Even though I had a hunch about it from temping I was still totally flabbergasted that we conceived after less than 2 months of trying. It was a Saturday so I couldn't get in for a blood draw to confirm but we came up with a little plan to tell my folks....we put Elly in a 'Big Sister' t-shirt (that I just happened to run across for cheap that week at TJ Maxx and figured I wouldn't use for months, little did I know I was pregnant when I bought it!). We drove to Poulsbo and waited for my family to wake up and when they did we took off Elly's jacket and waited for them to notice. It took a good 5 minutes for them to get it and then of course everyone was excited. We did the same thing with Craig's folks.

So, all that to say we were blessed tremendously to have a short time of fertility treatments with this child and I am still surprised at it all! I'm proud of my body for remembering doing all this last time and making it easier and I'm thankful that God felt our family was ready for another child.

At about 9 weeks we had our first dr appointment and ultrasound. Our dr is so friendly and personable and I really like her. Our main question to ask was, 'is it twins!?' Craig had been teasing me about it and I really thought it might be true since I was SO tired, like way more so than with Elly; I had to pee all the stinking time; and I was nauseous (which I never was with Elly). So, in goes the probe for the ultrasound and right off the bat we see tons of cysts in my ovaries, especially my right. The dr says these are caused by the Clomid and they're pretty harmless and typically go away by week 12 or 13 once the baby is living off the placenta (versus yolk sack). The problem for me was that they were everywhere and huge and pushing on my bladder. Then came the time to find the little baby, which should've resembled a gummy bear at this point. It got really quiet. Like hear a pin drop and I couldn't read my dr's face. She kept moving the probe and looking around different areas. Then she pointed to a small circle type opening and said, "well, this is where the baby should be...." She didn't say, "there's no baby," or "you've miscarried", but I was smart enough to know that's what she was probably going to say in a matter of minutes. It was silent for the next 60 seconds. Craig later told me he almost had a heart attack. I felt surprised and dismayed that we'd get pregnant so quickly only to then lose it. I thought of all the many women I know who have lost a baby and realized this was what they felt like. I also felt a sense of peace and that God had a plan for us and whatever happened we'd be ok. Basically I didn't freak out, I just laid there thinking. Ok, after the longest minute ever, our dr said, "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, there's the baby!" And sure enough there was our little gummy bear with the tiniest little beating heart. Remember all those cysts I talked about? Yeah, well those cysts rearranged things a bit so the baby was not where a dr would normally find the baby. Again, not a big issue long term, just threw off the ultrasound. I'm sure our dr felt terrible about it and honestly it could happen to anyone. How was she supposed to know the baby was a little moved? She said everything looked good and my symptoms felt so extreme because all the Clomid cysts release hormones similar to a baby making me feel like it was multiples. She said my right ovary had tons of follicles and the Clomid really did it's job and she's pretty sure we conceived from the right side (weird, huh!) and she was a bit surprised it wasn't twins either.
Now 12 weeks in I feel pretty good. A little emotional and I'm definitely showing (I didn't really til 7 months with Elly!), but mostly I feel like myself. I have another dr appointment in one week and I'm looking forward to hearing the heart beat on the dopplar. I always worry about miscarrying. Especially this time. It's almost like, since it happened so easy maybe it'll be taken away from me. I know I shouldn't feel that way and I worried every single day about miscarrying Eliana also. When you have to work so hard to get pregnant, it feels like maybe you won't actually get to have the baby. This is weird to explain, but I know all you women that have been through this get it. I will keep praying for a full term, healthy baby. I have zero signs of a miscarriage and I just have to keep telling myself this.

So, thank you to all of you who have loved, supported, and prayed for us. This has been a journey for us and also for so many of our friends and family. I'm sorry to have been a bit coy once I actually got pregnant, but I'm sure you all understand. And to those still trying, don't give up. Do everything you can to be healthy, research options, get a good dr, and mostly ask God to make you a mommy.
Blessings,
Diana

Acronym chart:
BBT- Basal Body Temping
CM- Cervical Mucous
CD- Cycle Day
DPO- Days past ovulation
HPT-Home pregnancy test

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Mazatlan update

Hey ya'll. Quick update from Mazatlan:
We got here Saturday around 5pm after about 12 hours of traveling. Eliana did pretty fabulous. She was a trooper mostly the whole way and looked so darling sitting in her very own airplane seat (thank you to the pediatric neurosurgeon who moved up one seat so we could have the row!). I bribed her with a red tootsie pop on take off and it seemed to work. She didn't mind take off or landing at all. We did hit a rough patch with her after about 2 1/2 hours and she screamed for almost 30 minutes. She's been awake for over 7 hours without a nap and was desperately fighting sleep. She finally fell asleep on me and dozed for 30 minutes. Luckily the people right near us were pretty nice and said she was sweet and a great traveler.
She's been sleeping wonderfully in the hotel playpen in our room. Last night was about 13 hours. Naps are anywhere from 1-2 hours. I think she's getting worn out from all the playing!
Anywho, Saturday we had a great dinner (coconut shrimp!) at La Palapa, the hotel restaurant. Sunday was a trip to Soriana's for groceries. It was an experience and a bit exhausting trying to find things that look similar to anything we'd normally buy. The staff was friendly and helped us get a block of Oaxaca light cheese since they had zero options of cheddar. We also found the one kind of turkey lunchmeat they carry. The whole huge deli case was full of ham and bologna. It's interesting how in this culture ham is the big meat. Where's the pastrami, roast beef, chicken, etc? There also wasn't anything organic and very few diet/light options. And no caffiene free soda (other than sprite,etc.) There was no skim or 1% milk. Of course this is ok and not a big deal as we're only here for less than 2 weeks....it's just interesting. Maybe other stores have these items, I don't know.
I was a tad grossed out that the eggs were not refrigerated, but I realize they don't come out of a chicken straight into a fridge :) It's just different than what we're used to and perhaps our cases of refrigerated eggs are strange to Mexicans.
We've been making our own dinners the last couple nights; sauteed chicken; burgers last night. One of these days we'd like to go to a restaurant with great Mariscos. The seafood at the store was questionable..but I know there's got to be great seafood around here!

One of the vendors at the beach entrance to our resort is named Jesus and he is super nice. He's known my grandparents for decades and my grandpa has generously helped out Jesus' family in years past. Jesus must've seen us the day before with grandpa because he said, "you're here with Marion, right? you get these for $10 each (sunglasses). your grandpa is my friend and you are, too." We knew he was being genuine since we'd heard everyone at the resort saying they could only talk him down to $15 and that he had a better selection than even the Golden Zone. He also told us if we want anything from his vendor friends to ask him first and he'll make sure they're fair:) We bought several pairs of sunglasses from him and have gotten to know him a bit. He is there every day and has 3 kids and a wife at home. And his English is excellent.

We've gone to the pool almost every day. It's honestly been frustrating. Eliana is very very cautious about anything new (this sort of drives me nuts to be honest). She hates the sand on the beach. If I set her down she panics and starts screaming and reaching for me. Then with the pool she takes a couple hours to get used to it and even then is not a big fan. Last year I took her swimming all the time but I guess she was young enough just to go with the flow. I'm hoping that day after day she'll get better but I think it's also just part of her personality and I have to find ways to cope with it and help her. Wearing water shoes has helped a bit- she really hates being dirty; sand in her toes, the rough pool bottom. Even when she's eating if she gets food on her fingers she puts her hand up and goes, "uh, uh, uh" until I wipe it clean. She's just very particular and apparently tactile sensitive. I'll probably address this at her next dr visit and see what her dr will suggest. I wish she was laid back like Craig and me but for whatever reason she's more of a challenge. On the other hand she's extremely sweet and loves to hug and kiss and I think wouldn't hurt a fly. She's super gentle and apparently....very cautious.

Today we're going to the Golden Zone. This is the mecca for tourists and shopping and American fast food. Who knows if we'll buy anything, but I still want to go check it out. I got this awesome necklace in Cabo 4 years ago and maybe I'll find earrings to match. I also would love to get a blizzard or something like that :) The icecream bars from the resort store are yummy but also like $2 each.

Ok, I think that's all for now........

PS. I only have 40 pages left of Tori Spelling's Mommywood. I love her! Craig says we love them because we secretly want to be Tori and Dean. He's probably right :)