Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Mama, You Are So Strong

...This is what I wish I could magically import into every mother's brain. The mental and self esteem benefits of fitness. More than being a certain weight or fitting in a certain size, the value gained from working out surpasses it all. Last summer we 'accidentally' took our 3 young kids on an 11+mile steep hike. The mountain had logging detours and we were clueless where we were going. I had my almost 3 year old on my back for all but a mile. My 5 year old ended up on my front in my arms for about 8 miles. I was literally carrying two children for 8 miles. I remember thinking, "holy crap. There's no way I could have done this a year or two ago." I was physically so strong! I could handle that crazy situation and get us off that darn mountain. I felt so proud of myself.

I see other mothers, just like me. Up too much at night with kids, drinking coffee on the couch in the morning before the craziness of the day ramps up. Feeling blah about themselves, fighting to have any energy, comparing themselves to what they see online. It wasn't overnight, but over time, consistency, and work, I learned so much about myself. Sweating so much it dripped in my eyes and burned, wanting to quit, telling myself, "this is too hard", but not letting myself quit- it taught me so much. I learned I am a badass. I can do anything I set my mind to. Slowly the glass ceiling in my life, which had been placed there by me, was being lifted. It's more than just endorphins. It's more than losing weight. It's telling yourself over and over, you can do this. One more push up. One more mile. One more squat. Then the workout is done, you're covered in sweat, the endorphins have created a high, and you know for certain, "dang girl, you did it, you really did it!"

 We all have to start somewhere. I started from 0, having never actually "worked out". I was overweight, super out of shape, and had to learn each move as I did it. I didn't even know the proper way to do a push up. But learn it, I did. Oh girl, how I learned.

Dear sweet mama, raising your littles. Wondering where you fit in, where time for you fits in? Here's where: right in the middle of your beautiful and messy life. Kids will climb on you while you Plank, they will stare up at you from the floor while you Downward Dog, they will come alongside you and Squat and Lunge. You will break up toddler fights while you Scissor Jack. They will see mama getting stronger and doing hard things. As you are learning you can do the tough stuff, you're teaching them that lesson, too. Working out isn't about getting smaller, although that may happen, it's about finding the strong woman that already lives in you. I promise you she's in there. She's a badass, too.

Plenty of us need a little motivation to get something going. Honestly, just knowing where to start can feel supremely overwhelming. Maybe that feels scary or too hard or you're afraid you'll quit after 5 days. Maybe you just really need someone to do the journey with you. I think we all do. If you live in Kitsap County, I'd love you to come workout with me. Your first class is free and you won't regret coming. Your kids under 5 stay in the stroller....hold on, before you say they won't do that, let them try it. You'll be surprised ;) Kids love habit and structure and this is a great habit to start!

You can bring your kid/s and your stroller and come check out a class with me, for FREE. I would truly love to see you. We workout indoors in the winter.
You can leave your name and email HERE and receive our daily schedule. No obligation, no pressure, just information.
The local website for Fit4Mom is HERE.
Also, working mama's and those who refuse to workout with their kiddos (haha, no shame, it's alright!), there's a FREE Preview Class for the evening Body Back series coming up. Details HERE. Ok, have I hyper-linked you to death? 

Shush the voice of fear inside your head, telling you the many reasons why it won't work, why it can't happen. Give yourself a chance, mama. 


Long overdo update

Hello again. Somehow blogging felt so much easier when I had two kids...adding that 3rd and very busy little one eliminated that chunk of time or gusto I had left for blogging. I think blogging is like most things, the more we do it, the more we find time for it. I mean, I never miss a cup of morning coffee, right? Priorities ;)

We're now expecting our 4th baby in May, 2017. Life will likely be as busy as ever. I know everyone says once you get past 2 kids it doesn't get much harder, but here's the deal: each kid is more laundry (Ohhhh, the laundry), another child to bathe, another set of teeth to brush, another child to feed, another child to take to activities, another child to help with homework, etc. So yeah, maybe not harder per se, depending how we define hard, but it's more time and more work. It creates a feeling of busyness, even if we never leave the house. There is never NOT something to do. Ya know?

I am 19 weeks today and feeling mostly good. Tired. Quite tired. But I haven't been nauseous and so far the baby is doing well. Our genetic screening came back today with everything looking good. I have our 20 week ultrasound in about a week. We will not be finding out gender this time. I've had two ultrasounds already, so for those wondering about twins, nope, just one.

I kept running til about 12 weeks and then it just got too hard. I had to pee every 1/2 mile, my feet felt 'weird', and it just didn't feel good anymore. My asthma has also gotten worse, which is fairly common in pregnancy. I have continued HIIT workouts, both at home and with my local Stroller Strides group. The only thing I really can't do right now is situps (my ab muscles are too separated and it hurts). I plan to keep working out and pushing myself as long as I can. I rest more when needed and don't push to the same level as before.  But in pregnancy, if you are having a hard time breathing, that means oxygen is restricted to the baby as well. So, I'm listening to my body more. Talk about opposite of the running mindset pre-pregnancy! Running before was all about "mind over matter", "your body will do what your mind tells it to". I pushed and pushed and forced my body into submission. It was awesome! I was running 8 miles of hills, in 75-80 degree weather, with 130lbs of double stroller in May of this year. I was a lean, mean, tell my body to do anything machine!
Woohoo! I started some new meds in early June to help better manage my PCOS (things that working out and weight loss still hadn't fixed) and the meds made me gain weight right away. I was just trying to deal with that and sort it out and then I found out in September I was pregnant. Hmmmm.....took me a bit to adjust to this. I had worked so stinking hard to lose weight and become super fit. I knew this would all change to some degree. I had to adjust expectations. Especially about my weight. I do feel a bit like I'll be starting all over once this baby comes and it will be even harder with 4 children needing me. But, now I know how strong and capable I am (really, we all are ;)), so I hope I can remember that and find that inner beast again. I gained weight slowly during Solomon's pregnancy, this one I feel like I'm getting big all over, not just my belly. I'm not a fan of that, but there's only so much I can do. Each pregnancy is different. This one is already almost half over. Wow.


Monday, February 1, 2016

Craig's Crazy Leg Infection, Part 2

During his second hospital admittance a huge amount of tests were run as well as another ultrasound of his leg. His leg had gotten huge. Literally huge, and bright red with purple toes. It was also warm to the touch. We were told his skin was reaching max elasticity and the next step would be fluid oozing out. So gross and scary, too. He was on several iv antibiotics as well as iv fluid. The ER Dr was knowledgeable about this type of infection. He said anyone at the hospital would know this isn't Staph.  He explained that because the Urgent Care misdiagnosed, this infection was able to get out of hand. The med they gave him (Bactrim) does not treat Strep Cellulitis. The shot they gave in the glute at Urgent Care however, does treat Strep Cellulitis. This is why when he went home from Urgent Care the first time his temp dropped to about 100 but within 24 hours spiked to 104. The glute shot wore off and his body had nothing fighting the infection anymore. A proper diagnosis would have prevented this entirely. Craig was admitted this 2nd time and once stable was moved up from the ER to an actual room for several days. It was a relief to be there. It had been so scary being at home and seeing him get worse and worse. The first time the ER sent him home I literally knew we would be back.

For the next day or so it was a waiting game to see what his leg would do. His fever was under control, he was coherent again, and he could eat. He could not walk and his leg was very painful. I dropped the kids at my moms every morning and spent most of the day with him. It was a 40 min drive each way to the hospital. At dinner time I picked up the kids and brought them home for bed.

 I knew at this point we were about $20k deep and he was missing a week or more of work. It was a mess, but what could I do? I thought a lot about trying to look for work. In the 11 years we've been together, it has been a pretty constant stream of medical expenses. His employer-provided insurance has high deductibles and high out of pocket limits. If one of us gets sick or needs an ER or hospital, we don't stand a chance financially. It flatlines us for years. We have not been able to recover financially from one medical issue before another one happens. It is a constant stress and frustration for me. We also end up not going to the dr when we need to because we simply can't afford it.  

Anyway, on Sunday, he was finally discharged. A week after he got sick and 4 1/2 days in the hospital. Once home, he needed a couple more days off to be able to walk again. His leg was BAD. It is now almost 6 months after his hospital stay and his leg is still quite swollen. He needs a surgery to prevent the infection from happening again, but until his leg is healthy, the surgery will only make things worse. He wears a very tight compression sock on that leg every day. 

Looking back on the whole thing, I feel very frustrated abut the Urgent Care Dr misdiagnosing Craig. I tried to talk to another Dr at the clinic about it and they wouldn't say a word. I tried to talk to the billing department and asked to be given grace so we wouldn't have to pay $400 for a visit that actually made him worse and at death's door. I was in tears on the phone, explaining we have one income, 6 people we provide for, and owe $20k now. Zero grace was given, not even a discount. What a way to care for people, huh? This was The Doctor's Clinic in Poulsbo, Wa.

We still owe the hospital several thousand dollars and another $4k on our credit card for all the other people I had to pay that wouldn't take payments. Pretty insane. 

^This was at the Urgent Care the day the Dr said we needed to get to the hospital asap.
^Craig in the ER. His leg was scary and painful.
^Once his fever was gone and he could interact, we killed time
by watching Netflix.
^Us breaking out of the hospital!

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

New Year, I am here!

Hello? Heeellloooo? It's an echo here in the world of my blog. A dark cave I have sadly forgotten about. Here we are welcoming in 2016 and I'd like to be present here again. As I look back on past blogs I sometimes chuckle at the things my kids did, sometimes I'm embarrassed at my attitude or behavior or logic, yet I appreciate the snapshot of that moment in time. I appreciate that there is always room to learn and improve.

Also, ermagerd my blog is ridiculously busy and outdated and un user friendly. I need to charge up the ol' laptop and try to make this thing a little simpler. It's almost midnight, so I'll save that for another day. I wish I had a programmer bestie who could just whip it into shape in trade for some clean laundry or somethin'!

Maybe just some updates tonight.
Me-I have been working out and eating low carb for almost a year! I am honestly surprised that I've been so consistent and I'm proud of that. My weight ebbs and flows between 25-36lbs down (that's a story for another day). I am currently 30lbs from my ultimate goal! I did two 60-day rounds of PiYo, 2 rounds of 21 Day Fix, took up running, and have stayed active. I just started another round of PiYo today. Eating is tough, I love carbs and eating low carb is a buzzkill. I track everything in MyFitnessPal (FrazierMama) and work on eating between 50-100g of complex carbs a day. I avoid sugar, pasta, rice, bread, high sugar fruits like bananas, Etc.
I started a supplement, called Ovasitol, last February and after 3 months on it I got a cycle and have had one every month since. Working on getting them predictable. No one likes a surprise shark attack, amirite?
I have become a runner. That is crazy. I can run 5 miles currently! I found out a couple months ago I for sure have asthma so I got an inhaler and that has helped a ton. I find running to be a challenge and extremely therapeutic for me. It continually shows me I am more capable than I ever realized. Exercise is a big portion of mental health support for me. It has become a necessity.

Craig- He is still Mr Handy and fixes all-the-things. He had a major leg infection last August that put him in the hospital. It was scary and got touch and go for a couple days. I have a drafted blog from that week and haven't been able to post was a terrible time. Anywho, he survived and still deals with chronic issues caused by that leg infection. Hopefully this year more healing will occur and if it does he will need a surgery to prevent it's recurrence. Surgery now would just cause more harm. Anywho....he works for the same company, 2015 marked 10 years, which I think is awesome for a guy who is only 37.  He is an amazing dad. Just today Evie told me how bummed she is that I married him first {before she had a chance}. Haha

Eliana- She is 7 and in 1st grade. Man, she is a smart little thing. Reading 4th grade level and constantly excited about learning new things (oh no, not a braggy braggerson!Sorry, not sorry, hehe). Information is exciting and a thrill for Eliana. I absolutely love that about her. Hmmm...maybe soon she can proofread my blog??? Yes, let's put a pin in that. Kidding....sort of. Elly is well spoken, sensitive, and she feels deeply. She is very aware and so encouraging. She is a special human. I am excited to see how God uses her life.

Evangeline- She is 5 and still has gorgeous big brown eyes. She recently donated a foot of hair because, "mom, there are kids with NO hair, I don't need all of this hair!" Evie is shy unless it's family or good friends. She is cautious and doesn't like the spotlight. She is super excited for Kindergarten this fall and currently she is the best playmate to her little brother. Evie has an amazing voice and a natural rhythm that boggles my mind. She can really sing, that one! Maybe she'll love the spotlight someday.

Solomon- He is 2 and such a little man. He adores Captain America  or "Erica" as he calls him. He likes to live most days in his Captain or Iron Man costume. We keep telling him, "they're the good guys, stop using the shield to hurt your sisters!" Lol. He is chatty and engaged and busy all of the time. Sol started sleeping in his own crib in July. Thank you, Jesus. He still wakes multiple times a night and that just sucks, but progress is progress. Sol has blonde hair and blue eyes and is idea where he gets that from. *why is everyone looking at me?*

There are a million things I could say after having basically not blogged in a year....but I will tackle it one bit at a time. Thanks for being here, in this disco era cave of a blog. I'll spruce it up soon. Promise!


Thursday, August 6, 2015

Craig's Crazy Leg Infection, Part 1

The following post was written 8/6/15. I saved it in drafts and am just now reading it. I've decided to post it as I wrote it and will work to followup with a second blog with what happened after this post was written.

I read a gazillion blog posts the other day by and her blog reminded me what I loved about blogging in the first place. Her unique voice and opinion, the humor and way she sees her world- so refreshing. Check her blog out, she is funny and fashionable!

Anyway, I used to just sit and let my fingers start typing and eventually the thoughts would roll and my heart would end up on the screen and I'd hit 'post'. Then somewhere along the years I figured my thoughts didn't matter and my life was too busy already. But I forgot the reason I first started blogging: for me! Putting my thoughts down helped me. I processed life and parenting and marriage through the keyboard and the freedom of blogging. I liked developing my unique written voice and figuring out what I had to say. 

Today is Thursday, August 6th. I am currently sitting at Harrison Medical Center at my husband's bedside. We went camping over the weekend with my cousin and her family. It was really fun and the kids had a blast. We were sort of "glamping" because we had showers, chlorinated pool, dish washing station, and other amenities. We did sleep in our tent and make s'mores, though! We got home Sunday and unpacked. I did tons of laundry, gave all the kids a bath, Craig put away all the camping gear, and we took the kids to DQ for blizzards before bed. That evening Craig and I both felt a little weird. My body was really sore and Craig felt out of it. I figured camping wore us out and we were a little over exposed to the hot sun while camping. We watched some tv and went to bed. 

Monday morning I woke up and our bed was empty so I thought Craig went to work. I walked out to the kitchen and he was quietly moaning on the couch. "Oh crap", I thought. He said he'd been up since 3am and felt miserable. I took his temp, it was 102. We thought he had the flu. I had a 10:30am appointment with the kids so I took a shower and left with the kids, giving him a quiet home to rest in. When I got back his left leg was a bit swollen and red and he said he thought he had Staph again. He has had an infection in that leg a few times (we don't know why), but always minor and treated easily with antibiotics. Never high fevers or missing work. This was different. 

Craig became incoherent and cranky. He was unable to answer questions about how he felt or what he wanted to do. His leg slowly got worse. I gathered up the kids and Craig and we headed to drop the kids at my mom's house and I took Craig to the Urgent Care. They diagnosed it as Staph and gave him a shot of antibiotics in the glute and sent us home with a script for Bactrim, which they said would kill staph, strep, and mrsa. We went home and he promptly fell asleep. I went to Safeway to fill scripts and gas up the car. I went home and woke him up to take meds, and then went to my moms the rest of the day to give him quiet to sleep until his next dose of meds. I brought the kids home for bed and then watched some tv and went to sleep. Craig did nothing but sleep. His temp never went below 102.  Tuesday came and things were honestly looking worse. Midday his temp spiked to 104. He was really out of it and still not able to eat. I couldn't force more than an ounce of protein shake or water down him. Tuesday the "shit got real" for me. This wasn't acting or responding at all like the staph infections he had previously had. The meds seemed to do nothing. I was having flashbacks to his accident 9 years ago. Emotions welled up and I held back tears. I felt like I should take him to the ER but questioned my intuition (women- trust your intuition!). The Urgent Care Dr said to give it 36 hours.....I didn't want to overreact. I kept monitoring his temp and leg and debating over and over what to do. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the financial aspect of it all. We are still paying off my surgery from last September and here we are again. Our deductible is $12.5k and Craig also doesn't have sick leave. Loss of pay AND medical bills? Yup, it really sucks. I didn't want to overreact and have it cost us $5k. Without medical training, it is sometimes hard to know what warrants a hospital visit. 

Tuesday night Craig decided he felt a little better. His temp was down to 102 and he wanted to stay home for the night. Our kids were snug in their beds so I said ok. I went to lay down in bed and checked out the interweb for signs of sepsis and felt very concerned that we were heading that direction. It was hard to sleep. I was worried. Wednesday morning came and he had not improved at all. It had been 36 hours so we headed back to the Urgent Care. I dropped the kids at my mom's house on the way. I hoped somehow the Urgent Care could help and we could avoid the hospital. I can see now that I knew in my gut he was beyond that. The Urgent Care Dr (not the same one we first saw) said, "uh wow, I'm going to be honest here....this is bad. He needs to be in the hospital." He wrote up a letter explaining everything for the ER and we headed to Bremerton Harrison, about 40min away. 

We arrived at the ER and waited a short time for a bed. Craig was super duper dehydrated and finding a vein was tricky. Took 3 nurses working hard to get one. They did an ultrasound to check for blood clots, checked his lactic acid level, various blood tests, etc. He got 2L of fluid and iv antibiotics. He started to seem more "with it" and didn't look so awful. The ER Dr said this is for sure NOT staph but is strep cellulitis and it is resistant to the medicine Urgent Care gave him. *face palm*. They decided to send Craig home on a 24 hour trial. He was instructed to get up every 3-4 hours to pee and avoid blood clots and to eat and drink as much as he could. We got scripts for pain meds and a different antibiotic. I wanted to feel hopeful. His fever was gone when we left the ER. 

We went home and I got him settled with water so I could go back to Safeway for the new meds.  He was awake and watching tv while I was gone. When I got home I tried to make him a eat a sandwich, drink water, and even tried to bribe him with his favorite snacks. He could barely eat. He took meds and quickly passed out. I left to go to my mom's to help give my kids a bath and bring them home for bed. 

Craig slept on the couch again. When I went to bed around midnight his leg had not improved at all and his temp was up around 100. I had a feeling we'd be back at the hospital sooner than later. Craig woke me at 6am feeling awful. His head hurt, ears hurt, legs hurt, and he couldn't sleep. I got him all his meds again and went to lay down some more since our kids were still asleep. 

Our sweet 2 year old, having missed his nap for 6 days, slept til 9:40am. So I did, too. When I got up I realized we needed to pack up and head back to the hospital. I called my mom and asked if she could take the kids again, then hopped in the shower and packed up stuff for the kids for the day. We dropped the kids at my mom's house and did the 40min drive to the hospital yet again. The ER decided to admit him. They ran more tests, gave more iv be continued.

Monday, July 27, 2015

The End of an Era. Solomon Sleep Saga, cont...

Sometime in June, Craig asked what I wanted for our 10 year wedding anniversary in July. I jokingly answered, "for Solomon to sleep in his own bed."

Solomon will be 2 on August 12th. Being his mother has been a privilege and yet also challenging. Solomon has Eustacian Tube Disorder, Restrictive Airway Disease, a speech delay, and some weird sleeping issues. Before we knew about his health issues we tried sleep learning with him several different times. We did about 5 different books' methods and he never responded even close to what the books said he would. He would do nothing but scream, vomit, scream, choke, cough, and scream some more. Sleep was never the end result. We would try for as long as 5 nights. He would be falling over during the day because he was so exhausted, but bedtime would come and he'd muster another 12 hours of energy. It was unreal. I have felt that people think I enable his sleep issues and think I exaggerate. I've never heard of another kid like Sol. 

3 weeks ago I decided, "he is a bit older, his breathing issues are well controlled by his inhaler, he is ear infection free at this second in time.....let's try again." Up to this point the only way Solomon would sleep, day or night, was if he was touching me. I had to be holding him. Get up to pee at midnight? Sure....while holding a kid. Need to poop at 10pm while watching The Good Wife? Well alright, if you can do it while holding your toddler and not waking him. Want to go out with friends? Girl's night? Grocery shop in the evenings alone? Dinner date? Clean the house after kids are sleeping? Have a conversation with an adult after 7pm? No. No. No. No. No. No. Not gonna happen, lady. And so it went for 23 months of my life. 

This boy is beautiful. Gorgeous, flowing locks of beach blonde hair. Bright blue, expressive eyes. Chubby, kissable cheeks. He is a looker, for sure. He is snuggly, a portable heater, and he adores me. He has made sure to be affectionate and part of me loved the closeness we shared. It was a problem in that it was at the expense of everything else. My friendships, conversations with my spouse, my sanity, even going to the bathroom alone in the middle of the night. My little shadow never gave me space. It wasn't a 3x a week thing, it was an every single day of my life thing. And yes, even naptime!

I knew sleep learning him would require me to muster some major strength. It had failed so so so very miserably every time before. And then we'd all be exhausted from a week of not sleeping on top of the frustration of failed sleep learning. It was worst case scenarios coming true every time. It took a few days for me to muster the will to try again. I honestly assumed it would fail again. 

Day 1 arrived and we started our new routine of everything in his room. Jammies, read a book, pray, nurse, then crib. He was sobbing the whole time. He knew what was happening and he couldn't be fooled. He was far too upset to nurse. He cried for 4 hours. Half of that time I was sitting in the rocking chair next to his crib. He finally fell asleep, slept a few hours, woke to nurse, then slept another 5 hours. Compared to every other attempt, it was a smashing success. I was shocked. The next day we attempted naptime in his crib. I was afraid letting him nap on me but not at night would confuse him. He screamed the entire 2 hours. Naptime was a flop. Nighttime went similarly to the night before, only half as much crying and 2 more wakeups. The next day was another naptime flop. We were averaging 8 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Not ideal for a nearly 2 year old. He was a sloppy, cranky, exhausted mess. On day 3 he started refusing all food. Even cookies and popsicles and heck yes I tried! He was simply too tired to eat or nurse. He was running on empty and I could not see how sleep learning a kid who wouldn't eat would be able to work. Nights got rougher. So. Many. Wakeups. So then I decided, screw this! He can nap on me and we'll just worry about bedtime right now. After that first back on mommy nap he woke up chipper, ate a huge dinner, nursed, and slept much better in his crib at night. He had certainly won that battle.
 Fast forward to today, he sleeps 12 straight hours in his crib most nights. He usually cries for 0-30min and then falls asleep. It has been 5 nights of good sleep and we've been sleep learning about 3 weeks.  I'm still shocked it worked this time. 

It was trial and error. I realized after 2 nights of many wakeups that he was getting cold so we switched to footy jammies- which were always way too sweaty when he slept with me. We also realized that despite a sunny room not bothering him when he was in my bed, it was waking him at 4:30am in his own room. Craig put black plastic over his windows (and out of his reach), behind his curtains, and that bought us another 2 morning hours. He had a fishy/water/music soother in his crib, but the batteries would die every 2 days so the 20 min of music would get less and less. I guessed that it was waking him every time it turned off so we said bye bye to the fishies and that greatly reduced the number of nighttime wakeups.

Sol's room is very dark and has a white noise machine. He takes .5mg of melatonin 30 min before bed (Dr said up to 6mg would be perfectly safe for him). We started with 1mg at the beginning of sleep learning. And he is finally sleeping in his own crib!!

Naptime is a whole different beast and we haven't tackled it again yet. Soon, maybe. It scares me. I don't want our success to unravel. But oh man, I'd love two hours toddler free during the day!

For this to work, I can see it required consistency. But let's be real here, I was consistent every other time we did sleep training and it never went this well. It took a long time, but this time he was more ready. Sometimes he will even tell us when he wants to go to bed now. He also doesn't like to snuggle before bed. Through tears he points to his crib asking to go in, every night. How crazy is that?

So, here's to a new chapter and one I hope continues!!


Monday, June 22, 2015

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

I have been doing PiYo for almost 4 months and combined with a low carb-high protein-ketogenic diet I've lost 35lbs!
It seems last week I hit a brick wall. I think I partially just got bored with PiYo. My routine of getting up and working out no matter what just didn't happen. I couldn't seem to force myself. I worked out 1x at home and ran at the track once. A lot less than I was doing. I've also been feeling sort of "off". Lethargic, sad, moody, craving sugar a lot, my skin is breaking out...all things that point to a hormonal slump, which can happen with PCOS. Honestly, I feel so crappy I took two pregnancy tests just to be sure- both negative. I've been reading studies and learning more about this endocrine disorder I have. It doesn't only effect weight and physical symptoms, it also greatly affects moods and mental health. It was like I went from super motivated and energetic to exhausted and unmotivated overnight. Nothing happened to cause it. It's part of living with an endocrine disorder. I feel like I'm just waiting to feel normal again. I ordered a new workout to start next week and I hope that will help, too.

I've had something on my mind. How does a person find balance with working out,  tracking foods/macros, etc? Being fit feels all consuming. I feel conflicted...the obsession of working out and macros all day every day can't be healthy. I follow a lot of fitness people on Instagram and there is a trend, few of them have kids. Most of them are single. They work a full day, then hit the gym til bedtime, then go to sleep and do it all again. They quote to never miss a workout, it's all in your head, health is your life, etc! I'm beginning to read these quotes and see their lifestyle of nothing but work and working out and feel frustrated with myself. How is someone like me with an endocrine disorder that smacks me sideways, 3 young kids, and a husband supposed to achieve and maintain being really fit? It makes me question everything I'm doing. It makes the climb feel impossibly steep.

Last night my toddler was awake literally half the night. He just wouldn't sleep and this is sadly very common. I woke up exhausted, a bit angry, and then have to fight that all day. I think this is life for a lot of mothers. Our lives are not our own. We don't get to go 'check out' in the gym or spend 4 hours on a Sunday meal-prepping a weeks worth of meals just for us. I don't get to go to sleep and sleep deeply and blissfully, waking rested and ready to tackle the day. Add onto it all PCOS and the moods,  exhaustion, and sugar cravings it causes and geez, I feel like a mess! 

Fitness can feel so daunting for a mother. We know we need to "take time for ourselves", but practically speaking, how do we do that? I can't hire a babysitter every time I go for a run or workout. I can't budget in a gym membership and childcare for 3. So I workout amidst the craziness of my kids and I run pushing kids in a stroller. When I ran on Saturday the 1 year old screamed almost the whole time. It is easy to question, "is this even worth it?" I know my kids won't be little forever, but they will be for a while and they have been for 7 years. 

This week in my slump I feel frustrated with my hormones, tired of working out with kids screaming and fighting, and sick of cod and broccoli. Instagram is like Facebook in that most people only post their  successes, pics of their healthy food and great workouts. I have to hope they are human like me and hit these proverbial brick walls. I had a "cheat meal" a week ago on a date with hubs. I had a burger and fries at Red Robin and swedish fish at a movie. I gained 6lbs. It was not water weight, I still haven't lost it 10 days later. With PCOS, one meal can ruin a month of work. I think it's very difficult for non PCOS people to understand how severe it is. I imagine it sounds like an excuse for us to be fat. It's not, it's a reality. A harsh one. A depressing reality. 

I might wake tomorrow, out of my slump, motivated. I hope so! But today I feel bummed and overwhelmed, so I'm blogging my thoughts. I can't be alone, right?

I realize I've made huge progress and being down 30lbs still is awesome. I have seen my body change so much. I've worked out with great persistance and determination. I have eaten low carb-high protein for months and months. I have worked hard to be disciplined! I am not throwing in the towel or saying Screw Fitness. I'm just chewing the cud on this one. How to be balanced. How to maintain fitness. How to keep continually counting carbs and watching macros (protein-fat-carb ratios). 

I hope over time I will figure all this out. I have the rest of my life to do so, right? Thanks for being on this journey with me.