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Pretend

  Not another phone call. I just can’t. My fake voice, the one who says, “despite all evidence pointing to my life being unbearably overwhelming, I have it all under control”, that voice is silenced right now. My own hand gripping tightly at my throat,  begs silence. Playing pretend is exhausting.  It once saved me.  Monopoly money and property cards in my childhood games of real estate. Repeated meet-cutes between my afro-queen Barbie and the Ken with brushable auburn hair and mousse.  Pretend looks different now.  Like the big smiles and warm laughter I don’t know how to turn off.  The internal managers hoarding my tears refuse to let me have any to fall. I squint my eyes and will them…please, please let me cry.  Pretend is a costume I didn’t know would be glued on.  Where is the tub of acetone to soak in? Can I get it off like grown-out acrylic nails?  It’s a wonder there’s anyone left underneath.  But I hear her sometimes…wrestling with the throat choking hands.  Raspy voice pleadi
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Sorrow

  1/24/24 “I see you. Over there. I haven’t forgotten. I need this time for them. It’s bedtime stories and brushing teeth time. I will come get you when it’s done”, I tell my child named Sorrow.  I thought I had to banish Sorrow. I sent her to the darkness, and she yelled at me in defiance," WHERE HAVE YOU SENT ME? YOU JUST DON’T WANT ME TO EXIST! I’M HERE, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" And her screams seeped out as my biting tone to a child who didn't comply, as my sharp tongue to my husband, as the weariness wanting to numb with scrolling, or food, or sex, or weed. I hadn’t learned the darkness was inside me. Dear banished Sorrow was ever present, screaming from inside me. I thought she was banished to the Outside, but she remained Inside all along. Afraid I would never look her in the eyes. Afraid she was too ugly and too messy to ever be held by me. To ever be known by me.  Sorrow, you are not ugly. You are powerful. I was afraid of your power. Afraid of your strength. It'
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Proof of Life

  1/24/24 I slept almost 12 hours last night. I could’ve slept more. There isn’t enough sleep, or coffee, or podcasts, or ‘add to cart’-and-never-buy-its for a heart rendered raw, the edges like the serrated spoon my grandma used when eating her morning grapefruit.  In the standstill of rawness, the rest is a whizzing past me train. I can feel the wind it causes. I grab my cardigan tighter still, wishing I’d worn a parka. What does a parka for my heart look like? Feel like? What store sells those? This is a moment in time. A moment in  my  time. It’ll fade, or bolden. I don’t know yet. It’s a preview of hell for a mother who watches her child suffer. That preview isn’t removing my heart entirely. Would that hurt less? The million tiny cuts that create the serration hurt like hell. And I feel the wind of the train taunting me to smile and be fine….because Capitalism. because It Could Be Worse. because There are still so many joys and I should find them. It could always be worse. Worse t
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Location: Washington, USA
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One Pan Creamy Chicken Burritos

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These are so yummy. For reals. Last time I made them Craig declared they were the best EVER. Let's get started. What is in this huge pan of goodness?  (Ps.  pans are Ecolution, http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005M8XWZK) 1 15oz can tomato sauce 1 8oz package cream cheese 1 can pinto beans, drained and rinsed 1 1/2 cups frozen corn 3 Tbs bulk taco seasoning Chopped rotisserie chicken, as much or little as you want. This is about 2 Cups worth.  And....that's it!  Please feel free to add: Black beans, drained and rinsed Olives, drained Chopped onion Chopped bell pepper Leftover rice or quinoa Etc. add what your family loves! Add all to a large skillet or saute pan and cook over medium heat until cream cheese is melted and corn is heated through (remember, chicken is already cooked). Get a clean spoon and taste the filling. The best chefs taste their food! You can adjust seasoning here. If it's too salty, add some more beans or cream cheese. Not enough seasoning? Add more taco sa
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5 Ingredient Crockpot Pulled Pork....plus water and BBQ sauce :)

Diana’s Crockpot Pulled Pork 1 frozen meat pork or beef roast put in crock pot Add sea salt, whole peppercorns, garlic, a sliced sweet onion and water to cover the pork about half way. Cook on low a LONG time. The longer the better. Usually about 10 hours. Cooking on high for half time doesn't seem to produce the same result. When the meat is fork tender, take the meat out and pick off any fat and then use 2 forks to string the meat. Dump on your favorite barbecue sauce over, always Sweet Baby Rays here! Craig likes the cooked onions dumped on his. Great with sweet potato fries.
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Oatmeal Streusel Topping for Pie

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This topping recipe is perfect. Seriously. I've made a lot of different toppings and this one is really the best! I use my  canned apple pie filling  and that makes it a cinch to whip together a pie. And admittedly I pretty much always, ok more than pretty much, use store bought refrigerated crust. For some reason I hate the Pillsbury crust. It tastes very shortening-y and flavorless, so I find the store brand ones are much better. Someday I'll make one from scratch and then you can read that blog. Anyways...this is the streusel that takes the cake  is better than cake! Delicious and easy Oatmeal Streusel for Apple Pie Ingredients 3/4 Cup all-purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 Cup packed brown sugar 3/4 Cup rolled oats 1/2 Cup butter In a medium bowl combine 3/4 cup flour, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, brown sugar, and oats. Mix thoroughly, then cut in 1/2 cup butter until mixture is crumbly. Sprinkle streusel on top of yummy filling already in the p
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Cajun Frittata

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I made a new recipe tonight, from Central Market's Recipes, and it was a huge hit! As usual, I modified it a little and this is what I did: Cajun Frittata Serves 4-6 1 tablespoon butter 1 medium sweet potato, cut into 1/4 inch dice (about 2 cups) 2/3 cup sweet onion, diced 1/2 cup apple, cut into 1/4 inch dice 6 slices bacon, cooked and chopped (you can also use ham) 6 large eggs, whisked with 1 tablespoon  water until fluffy 2 1/2  teaspoons Cajun seasoning (available in Central Market bulk foods); or your favorite Cajun or Creole seasoning  1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese 1 1/2 cups grated mozzarella cheese Preheat oven to 400degrees F. Melt butter in a 10-12inch, oven-safe skillet over medium heat. Add yam and onion. Cook for about 10 minutes or until yam is almost tender. Add bacon and apple and cook for 5 minutes (at this point my skillet was dry so I added 1/2 Tbsp coconut oil). Whisk the Cajun seasoning into the eggs, pour over bacon mixture and shake pan to
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